Johnny Segment
by pendurhh
Summary: Katherine is even more ordinary than your average girl. At least that's what she says. So when James Potter puts her bed in the lake,she declares an average, perfectly ordinary prank war. Now if only she could figure out why Albus keeps staring at her...
1. Killeroo

Chapter 1 Killeroo

**Katherine Florence Duke** was actually excited about the first day of term.

The petite, brown skinned girl was fingering the delicate lace pattern of her tights, her head bobbing to the solid beat of the classic rock song she was listening to, she sported oversized headphones over the thick black beanie hat she was wearing. Her hair was carefully pulled back into a tight bun and was hid from sight by her hat; her large Wayfarer style glasses dominated her heart shaped face. Chewing on the inside of her freckled cheek she flipped another page of her textbook.

She eyed the rain drumming the window of her compartment with narrowed eyes, sighing; she wrinkled her nose and continued reading.

**Lily Potter** wasn't happy.

She'd been walking up and down the train looking for a compartment for fifteen minutes, with no one but her cousin Hugo for company. And he wouldn't stop whining. It was his fault they got kicked out of their first compartment anyway. You just don't ask an Irish fifth year where he hides his Lucky Charms.

She rolled her eyes, ''Let's just go and sit with James, Roxanne and Rose.'' She said dejectedly, flipping her burgundy hair over her shoulder haughtily as she paced the empty train corridors.

''But I don't want to be known as 'The Weasleys kid brother' on my first day!'' Hugo interjected. Stopping in his tracks, he eyed Lily determinedly, his wiggling his thick eyebrows at her.

''Well, I don't want to be known as 'The Potter kid who sat in the corridors for the train ride to school' on my first day!' she sniped, blowing a stray strand of hair from her sparkling hazel eyes.

''Well… you make a good point.''

**James Potter's** groove was being messed with.

''Why are you here, little people? You're messing with my groove, and no-one, not even blood relatives', mess with **my** groove.'' James said, raising his sunglasses to give his sister an annoyed look that she knew so well.

''You know only bags of douche wear sunglasses inside, when it's raining.'' Hugo pointed out.

''Budge up, kebab belly.'' Lily gave her older brother a playful smack on the arm, and he retracted his octopus-like limbs so she would have room to sit.

''Did you hear that Roxanne? Mrs. Muffin top just called **me** a kebab belly.'' James chortled with his older cousin. ''I'd best be going, can't keep the team waiting, after all I am-''

''The biggest prat ever know to life, the universe, and Chuck Norris?'' Lily asked, not looking up from the overflowing bag she was rummaging through.

''I was going to say the Gryffindor star chaser but, whatever.'' James said as he slammed the door to their compartment.

''He's so pretentious when he's not at home. It's like he gets possessed by some kind of retarded Poltergeist as soon as he sets a foot out of the house.'' Hugo commented, extracting a rather battered Pumpkin Pasty from his pocket, preparing to stuff the whole thing into his salivating mouth.

''That makes sense, I've never seen Peeves and James at the same time in the same place…'' Rose said thoughtfully, shuffling the Chocolate frog cards she was holding, Rose had a bit of an obsession with Chocolate frog cards, she even had a precise way of devouring the frogs, piece by squirming chocolate-y piece.

''Peeves, he's the ghost that pranks people, right?'' Hugo asked, licking his lips as he eyed the rather-squashed Pumpkin Pasty.

Dominique stared wide-eyed as Hugo crammed every last crumb of the pasty into his mouth and chewed quickly before swallowing, Rose then threw him a chocolate frog which tried to hop out of his grasp but he caught it and ate it in two bites,

''You disgust me sometimes,'' Dominique alleged in her slightly French drawl, ''is that all you do? Manger and Manger? No wonder you are getting quite, hefty….''

Rose shot her a hurtful glance before putting the chocolate frog she was eating away and picking up her album filled with Chocolate frog cards from the early 70's.

''I'm going to find my companions.'' Dom explained as she left the compartment in a flash of blonde hair.

''Yup.'' Roxanne replied, ''Well, I should probably get going too, I've got a heads meeting.'' She announced proudly as she vacated the compartment with a flash of red hair.

''What? Do we smell or something?'' Hugo asked no one in particular, Rose sniffed the air speculatively, ''Well, I thought I smelled fresh-meat when you walked in…'' a carnivorous look on her face, she eyed Hugo hungrily.

''Sometimes, I wonder whether we're actually related Rose…''

**Katherine Duke** just can't catch a break.

_When is she going to shut up?_ She thought to herself.

_She's been ranting for 13 minutes. 13 minutes and 36 seconds. 37 seconds. 38 seconds…_

_Oh, and she's just done that hair flip thing again._

_If she flips her hair one more time I'm gonna see if my stinging hex can bounce of that shiny head of hair…_

_Who the hell does she think she is? The Pope? _

_I'd like to think that the Pope wouldn't wear such ridiculously shiny shoes. I bet she shines them so much so she can see her own reflection in them._

Katherine pictured Roxanne Weasley holding a shoe up to her face and applying lipstick, making pouty faces at herself in the shiny leather.

''You have really shiny shoes.'' Katherine pointed out, blinking behind her thick rimmed glasses.

She'd been standing being lectured by the newly appointed Big-Head girl in the Gryffindor common room for such a long time that her toes were beginning to go numb, Katherine self consciously tugged on her beanie hat while she observed the elaborate patterns that emblazoned the soft rugs lying on the floor.

''You can't wear hats to class and those socks are completely inappropriate for school. I'm going to have to give you a formal warning, since I don't want to take any points away from my own house. If you're still wearing these… distasteful items tomorrow, I'll be forced to confiscated them and give you detention.'' Roxanne Weasley flipped her shiny red hair over her shoulder and tried to fix her with a look of authority while she eyed her bright purple House-elf socks with a look of disgust.

It's not like Roxanne was so picture perfect, her skirt was definitely not at a regulation knee-length like it was supposed to be.

''You're going to confiscate my socks?'' Katherine asked, baffled, she eyed her socks lovingly, Roxanne Weasley was obviously going to milk this Head-Girl thing for all it was worth, she'd already confiscated a Screaming Yo-yo, taken 10 points from Hufflepuff and handed out 4 detentions, and that was only on the walk back from the feast.

''Problem, Kathy dearest?'' asked the imperative voice of reason. Katherine's older brother.

The one, the only, the legendary, Alfie Duke, the Quidditch captain with the longest winning streak in Hogwarts History, according to his many fan-girls, he has brought Gryffindor to Quidditch Cup victory singlehandedly since he joined the team in his second year, even though he's only been captain since his fourth year, but still, he was **of course **the youngest Quidditch captain in 78 years **but still**, on top of all that, he's never failed to catch the snitch. Ever. He was now in his seventh and last year at Hogwarts, which meant that the shoe-in for captain next year, James Potter, would only get to be captain a year before he left because he was now in his sixth year.

He's apparently the best Seeker since Harry Potter, who was the best Seeker since Charlie Weasley, which in short, meant that Alfie was pretty damn good.

''Alfie, piss off.'' Katherine said waving the lanky athlete away as he put an arm over her shoulder casually, ''you smell like…Grandad.'' She said, taking a step back, she wrinkled her nose.

''What? You don't like it? Bertha gave me some new aftershave.'' He answered dreamily, turning to wave at the huge group of gigglers stood not a few feet behind him.

_Bertha. _Katherine thought her name with scorn. Bertha was the Queen of the Alfie Duke fan club, and she had been going out with her brother since 3rd Year, she always showered Alfie with insignificant and cliché gifts, Katherine once jokingly asked Bertha when she was going to give Alfie the voodoo doll of him that resided in the shrine that was dedicated to Alfie which she kept under her bed, for some strange reason Bertha didn't find it funny.

''Does it perchance say 'Au de Senior Citizen' on the bottle?'' Katherine asked, grinning.

''You're one to talk, what's your shampoo called? 'The Essence of Mango Chutney'?' her brother retorted sniffing the air around her accusingly.

''Actually it's called 'Fruits of the Rainforest.' And I smell scrumptious, so you can just shut your big fat denture filled mouth Grandpa!'' Katherine said flicking her brother on the nose. She chuckled and made her way towards the girl's staircase hurriedly.

''I better not see you in that hat tomorrow Duke!'' The Big-Head girl shouted to her retreating back.

Katherine grumbled about big-headed ginger fun sponges under her breathe as she ascended the girl's staircase.

The next morning for some reason, she had woken up long after her dorm mates, which meant that she would be stuck waiting to use the bathroom after they had used all the hot water and completely trashed the place, for very neat looking girls, they just didn't seem to grasp the idea of putting something back where it belonged instead of simply dropping it wherever they felt like.

Katherine often wondered what the other girls dorm was like, apparently Rose Weasley and her friends were very tidy, Katherine frequently fantasized about switching dorms, but she knew that the other dorm mates were close friends, a clique of some sort, and it wouldn't be fair to ask them to split up, so she endured. For the sake of others. She was expecting her Noble Peace Prize to arrive by owl post any day now.

Katherine wrapped her bathrobe around herself tightly, before grabbing a towel, her wash bag, and uniform and hurriedly making her way towards the 7th year boy's dorm.

Taking a deep breath she knocked loudly on the door and shielded her eyes before peeking her head around the door, ''Girl Alert!'' she shouted, while blindly making her way into the room. She groped the air and tripped over something hard and round, she hit the floor with a resounding 'thunk.'

''You can stop shielding your eyes, we're all decent.''

''Thank the lord. I'm just gonna hop into your shower.'' Katherine said cheerily, rubbing her shin as she got up from her heap on the floor.

''Help yourself,'' Jason McMillan, her brothers dorm-mate and right hand man. He was just putting the finishing touches to his neatly spiked hair in the mirror on his bedside cabinet.

''Looking good!'' the mirror encouraged him,

_Suck up. _Katherine thought coolly, she'd always hated that mirror, it always told her to comb her hair. Just because it was _a little_ on the frizzy side…

''The Plastics hogging the bathroom again?'' Malcolm, another 7th year boy asked as he pulled on a sock that was inside out, he was becoming familiar with the routine now.

''No, I just like using your bathroom, '' Katherine replied sarcastically.

Malcolm grunted in reply.

''Alfie asleep?'' Katherine asked as she tip toed over the mess towards the boy's bathroom.

''Like the dead.'' Jason replied.

''Typical.'' Katherine replied as she closed the door firmly behind her. After four years they were all used to her routine, Katherine began her fifth year at Hogwarts the same way she began every year, she locked the door and hopped into the shower that wasn't her own, quickly washing and getting dressed for school.

Katherine opted to borrow one of her brothers jumpers, since they were slightly tatty and very baggy, comfort was a big factor in what Katherine wore, she half-heartedly dried her hair with a towel before pulling it back again in a tight ponytail and used two small bobby pins to hold her long fringe back, sighing as she eyed her _eye catching_ hair in the mirror.

She pulled her ol' black beanie on and left the bathroom smiling, she yanked on her faux sheepskin boots, and pulled her plain black socks up. She didn't really mind what socks she had to wear, but there was no way in hell she wasn't wearing a hat.

She still had ten minutes to get to class. But how was she going to manage that without being seen by the Big-Head girl?

When she finished putting on her shoes, she spotted her brother, just rising from his slumber.

''You're gonna be late.'' Katherine warned him as she exited his dormitory and pulled the hood of her robes up.

The brown skinned girl hurried to her dorm to grab her bag, before hightailing it down to the Great Hall. She quickly sat down at the end of the Gryffindor table and grabbed a couple of muffins and shoved one into her mouth and the rest into her bag. Better safe than sorry.

**Albus Potter** was not in the mood for History of Magic.

Professor Binns droned on about the witch burnings of the fourteenth century, the dusty classroom was stuffy and humid, and the withered tables had scribbles from the students of mind-numbing classes past, they all said something along the same thing,

''**SOOO bored!''**

''**This spot is where my pool of dribble collected, believe the warnings on the packets of the Weasleys Patented Daydream Charms.''**

''**Do you think Binns died of boredom? Like from listening to his own voice for too long?''**

It was only the second week of the term and the mindless routine of school had once again sunk its claws into Albus. He was half-heartedly playing hangman with his best friend, Scorpius Malfoy.

''I'm so bored, I think I can hear my brain cells dying, one by one.'' Albus whispered to his blond-haired companion.

''That's impossible.'' Scorpius replied, yawning widely as he eyed

''I have bat like hearing.'' Albus challenged, sighing as he lost again, poking the hung man with his quill halfheartedly.

''Okay, I totally believe you have bat like hearing, what I don't believe is that your brain cells are dying, they crawled into a corner and spontaneously combusted a long time ago.''

''Harsh.'' Albus replied, scrawling randomly onto his parchment.

Scorpius turned his head when he faintly heard the door to the classroom squeak conspicuously. He watched a girl sneak into the classroom quietly. She crawled on her knees, making sure that Binns hadn't noticed her late arrival before she took a seat next to them and pulled her beanie hat further down, past her glasses, and then she rested her head on the desk.

''Hey, she's got the right idea.'' Albus pointed out, following her example.

''Isn't she that girl who refuses to take her hat off? I heard she got in accident, and now she's bald.'' Scorpius whispered to his companion.

''I dunno.'' Albus' reply was muffled by the desk,

''I heard she got in a duel with the Head-Girl about it. They destroyed a whole corridor-''

''Honestly Scorp, you're a bigger gossip whore than that Francis girl.''

Claire Francis was the self-proclaimed Gossip Queen of Hogwarts, a rather frivolous title, but nonetheless, she always had dirt on everyone. Her and her little clique of sheep ruled the halls of Hogwarts, simply because everyone was too afraid to get on their bad side in case they revealed one of your deepest secrets. Albus wasn't proud to admit that his cousin, Dominique was one of the sheep. Claire's boyfriend, Kyle Woodward, was the resident shutter bug at Hogwarts, he constantly had a camera on his persons and a huge collection of unflattering and incriminating photos that he wasn't afraid to whip out given the chance. Some would say that they were a match made in gossip heaven; others would say that they were a plague inflicted on the students of Hogwarts by the angered spirit of Albus Dumbledore.

''If you ladies are quite done speculating about my private life, could you be quiet? I'm trying to have a snooze here.'' The girl said without looking up.

''Shit, she heard us.''

''She can still hear you, being that she is sitting less than a meter away from you, dipshits.''

''Jesus, what crawled up her butt and died?'' Scorpius muttered under his breath loudly.

''I believe it might have been one of those industrial sized tubs of hair gel that you use up every week.''

Albus raised his head from the desk to stare gob smacked at the petite brown skinned girl. She was probably the only person in the school foolish enough to mock Scorpius' hair.

**Katherine Duke** was tired of being hounded by that stupid Weasley girl

It was only the second week of school, and having just had a mind-numbing History of Magic lesson, she was sitting with her brother at the Gryffindor table, discussing the upcoming match against the Slytherin's when she heard that distinctive shriek that made the tiny hairs on her arms stand on end.

''Duke! Get your hood down!''

Katherine ignored her and sipped her coffee defiantly. The smile touching at her lips vanished when she felt her hood being forcibly pulled back, almost unseating her.

''What the hell Roxanne?'' Alfie protested to the Big-Head girl.

''I knew it!'' she shrieked, reaching an octave so high that Katherine wasn't aware it existed before then.

''Ha!'' Roxanne cried when she pulled the beanie off her head, ''I've been dying to do that for a mont-oh…''

''Yes, _oh_. Now give me my hat back!'' Katherine said trying to shield her eye-catching electric blue hair from her peers, but the damage was done; laughter, snickering, and whispers broke out throughout the Great Hall, the noise bounced off the walls and just got louder and louder.

Katherine swore she saw that asshole Kyle Woodward get his camera out…

''Hey, your secret had to come out eventually.'' Alfie commented, turning back to his dinner.

''This is your fault!'' Katherine said after she pulled the hood of her robes back up. She smacked Alfies head down onto his plate. Mashed potato and gravy coated his face.

''Hey, you could have just said, ''No Alfie, I don't want to take part in this possibly appearance altering game with you and your handsome Quidditch playing friends.'' But nooooo.'' He said bitterly, wiping gravy from his face.

Apparently when you play Truth or Dare 'the wizard way' your forfeits are much worse. And permanent. Katherine had tried color changing-charms, hair potions, even good old fashioned hair dye, but nothing could change the color of her hair, she was hopeful that she would find some spell or charm in the hundreds of books at the Hogwarts Library that would change her hair back to her normal dirty blonde, but so far she'd had no luck.

_Darn those stupid Weasleys Wizard Wheezes' party kits! Sure you could play spin the bottle and truth or dare but they never mentioned that the forfeits were permanent!_ Katherine thought begrudgingly.

''Hey, Duke, did you mistake a can of paint for shampoo or something?''

''Shut up Potter.'' Throwing the Gryffindor 6th year a filthy look. James Potter. The epitome of assholeishness.

''Give me my hat back Weasley.'' Katherine growled fiercely,

''No, you can get it back at the end of the term, I'm confiscating it.''

''You can't just confiscate my hat,''

''Oh, but I can.'' Roxanne replied with a mad glint in her eye.

Before this Katherine never believed in pure evil, but there it was staring her in the face in the shape of a 17 year old ginger girl.

The only thing that crossed Katherine's mind as she left the resounding laughter and gleeful mocking of the Great Hall was that Roxanne Weasley was the devil incarnate.

Katherine Duke is terrible with magical creatures, ask her about Goblin rebellion in the 16th century, she'll give you an informed answer, ask her how to transfigure an apple into a pomegranate, she'll show you how, if she can be bothered, and give you half-heartedly scrawled notes with unlabeled, indiscernible, diagrams. But give her a flobberworm and ask her to keep it alive, no chance.

''Er, excuse me?''

She looked up from her doodle of the imp, Steve, who she was supposed to be taking care of for the duration of this lesson, when she was interrupted by a dark haired Slytherin boy wearing glasses; it was the same one that had been gossiping about her with that blond boy in History of Magic a few days back.

''Yes?'' she asked him. He was looking at her a little strangely, like he wasn't sure what to think of her. She squinted her eyes at him, but couldn't make out much of his face; the sun was in her eyes.

''You're imp seems to be trying to rip your textbook to shreds.'' He said, pointing behind her with one long pale finger, where Steve, as she'd named him, was ripping out pages of her copy of Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them, like it was a Christmas present. _Shit, no! What do I do?_ She thought anxiously, she bit her lip as Steve smashed an ink bottle over it, like he was some kind of demented… Imp.

''Steve, cut it out.'' she mumbled feeble, biting her nails.

''Do you, er, want me to-to help?'' The boy mumbled. She stood up and looked at him closely. He had emerald eyes with flecks of brown and gold, and a very handsome face, a very pronounced jaw line, with sharp features, he had the look of an aristocrat. He wore glasses, but they suited him, you almost couldn't notice them, unlike her own oversized wayfarers, his glasses made him look rather, dashing.

''Sure.'' she said brightly. She smiled at him and went back to her drawing.

''Incarcerous.'' He said, pointing his wand behind her.

''Here,'' He handed her Steve back. He had tied Steve up.

She stood up to receive her imp back.

''I like your tie.'' she pointed out, blinking, she always spoke without thinking.

''I'm in Slytherin.'' He frowned.

''Who said anything about Slytherin? I said I liked your tie.'' She smiled sheepishly.

''Oh, right-''

''The tie's a multi-purpose accessory Y'know… belt, school boy, Rambo'' she cut in.

''Should I really by taking fashion advice from someone who doesn't follow it themselves?'' he asked, looking pointedly at her collar which was totally devoid of a tie.

''I don't accessorize. I'm Katherine Duke, there's a simple truth to me.'' Katherine declared, not having the heart

''Fair enough.'' He said; eyeing the lone strand of electric blue hair he could see from under the hood of her robes.

**Lily Potter** was lying on her soft four poster bed.

She had spread out her textbooks and parchment in front of her, sighing; she took comfort in her red and gold surroundings, remembering her sorting.

_Everyone was staring as the group of first years entered the Great Hall._

_Lily didn't even glance at the ceiling or the floating candles. She was too nervous. Hugo had abandoned her to talk to the brother of the Irish boy he had insulted earlier. She searched the Gryffindor table and gave a small wave to her cousins, when she waved to James he shouted 'Alright Lils?' loud enough for McGonagall to notice. _

_The Gryffindor table was as far away from the Slytherin table as possible. Maybe the tension between the two houses hadn't ended with the war like her father had said. Lily caught Albus' eye and waved to him too. He nodded his head in McGonagall's direction and Lily started listening. She was visibly shaking by the time McGonagall got to ''Owens, Gareth.''_

''_Potter, Lily.'' McGonagall said with a small smile. Lily gasped when she realized people were sitting up straighter and looking right at her. There was some murmuring but Lily ignored it as she took a deep breath and walked up to the stool. She sat down and closed her eyes when she felt the hat slide down her head. It was far too big._

''_Another Potter, eh?'' rasped a voice in her head. Lily jumped slightly. She clasped her sweaty hands together and held her breath, thinking furiously,_

_Where I truly belong, put me where I belong, where I belong…_

_She chanted to herself, her mantra keeping her from fainting, her eyes shut solidly, she could feel her lungs begin to ache, dying to take a breath._

''_I think I'm going to put you in...'' it said quietly, the wait, though only a few seconds, felt like an eternity._

''_GRYFFINDOR!'' it shouted for everyone to hear. Cheers erupted from both sides of the Great Hall. Lily could hear Albus and James shouting the loudest. She blushed like a tomato and half-ran towards the Gryffindor table. She sat down next to James who patted her on the back and said ''I knew you wouldn't go to Slytherin, really.''_

_Lily placed her head on the table, she felt woozy._

_She finally exhaled and felt visibly better. No need to worry._

**Katherine Duke** was trying to enjoy the evening in the Gryffindor common room.

She was sat at a table near the window, with three books open in front of her; she was rapidly taking down notes on ancient colour changing charms that she'd never heard of, her newest attempts at fixing her hair had yielded no results except making the tips go slightly lighter, but she was still determined.

''Kat…Kat…Kitty...Kitty…Kitten…Kath…Kath….Kath….Kathy…..Kathy…Katherine...Katherine…Katherine…Katherine…'' Jason McMillan, her brother's best friend, repeated from a sofa not far from her, trying to get the girl's attention.

''This better be good.'' she snapped at him, looking up from her notes.

''You know the black bits in bananas?'' he paused taking a bite of the banana he was holding. ''Are they tarantula's eggs?''

''Please, don't ever, speak to me again in your life.'' she deadpanned.

''Aww, you don't mean that Kath, you love me really. You're just pissed because I'm the unattainable older guy.'' He said smugly, doing a pretentious model pose.

''Shut up Jay.'' she replied, blushing despite herself.

''You looooove me, you looooove me.'' He said loudly in a sing song voice. People were starting to stare.

''Shut up Jason!'' she repeated at the olive-skinned boy, louder this time.

''Or what?''

''Or, I'll take you out for a meal with Mr. and Mrs. Pain. Order up some violent quiche.''

There was a sort of awkward pause as they digested what she'd just said. She looked at Alfie, whose mouth was hung open in a fashion that made him resemble a caveman. They both burst into laughter simultaneously.

She was laughing so hard, she fell off her chair, and in a fit of clumsiness that only Katherine herself could accomplish, she managed to make all of her things go flying everywhere in the process, this only made her laugh harder, she couldn't stop laughing even though she was pretty sure that she was getting ink everywhere.

''Order up…Pain….Quiche!'' her brother said between fits of laughter. He was clutching his sides while tears streamed down his eyes.

Jason was literally rolling on the floor, looking like the biggest cliché in the history of clichés.

''Hey, could you shut up?'' the head girl shouted from across the room. The three Gryffindor's settled down, but not without the occasional muted giggle.

''Listen, we need to bring down Big-Head girl.'' Katherine ventured, still bitter about her public humiliation, she hadn't pranked anyone before, but then again, no one had ever started a vendetta against her, at least that's what Katherine considered it, even though Roxanne was treating everyone equally, an equally horrible way, she needed to be taken down a notch and Katherine had decided that it was up to her.

''Agreed.'' Alfie said.

''The question is, how?'' Alfie questioned, trying to look important by stroking his imaginary beard.

''We could always try the classic…''

''Yeah…''

Both boys stared at each other with a look of understanding that they probably practiced in front of the mirror in the mornings for moments like this.

''What?'' Katherine asked, perplexed. ''Like putting chili powder in her tea?''

''Well, it's not what you call conventional…'' Alfie began,

''No, it's what you call genius!'' Jason exclaimed.

The next morning, after Alfie made a quick trip to the kitchens, Katherine, Jason and Alfie watched anxious as the Likes to Give-Head girl took a sip of her tea. Almost immediately, she spat it out all over Kenneth Lansdale, the 7th year she'd be unashamedly flirting with all through breakfast.

''Agh! My eyes!'' he shrieked like a little girl, clutching his eyes, he ran around blindly before colliding headfirst into the Hufflepuff table and falling to the floor in a flurry of black robes and grunts that put a wild warthog to shame.

Katherine watched through her tears of laughter as Roxanne grabbed the nearest liquid, a jug of pumpkin juice, she spilt it all over herself in her hurry to get it to her mouth, but she spat that out too, next she reached for a glass of water, but she just proceeded to do the same.

''Whoops, I might have accidentally on purpose put extra strong chili powder in all of her drinks.'' Jason admitted,

Katherine laughed her ass off for the rest of the day, for once, when she walked down the corridors people weren't making snide comments about how she looked like a Dementor as she pranced down the corridors, instead they laughed about how stupid Roxanne Weasley looked earlier that morning, as she ran full pelt towards the hospital wing, eyes streaming, her face she the same shade as her hair.

**A/N: I don't own Harry Potter, The Mighty Boosh or anything else referenced.**

**Hellooooo. Here we are again! Yet another re-write, and this one's taking it's time. I'm actually currently preparing for my GCSE's next month, but I'm avoiding revision and instead dusting off this old thing. I'm trying to make myself write longer chapters, around the 4K-5K mark, but I'm telling myself quality not quantity, so, yeah.**

**Tell me what you think? **

**Lots'o Hugs,**

**Pendurhh.**


	2. Mutants

**A/N: I don't own Harry Potter or The Mighty Boosh or anything else referenced.**

Chapter 2 Mutants

**Lily Potter** was bored of the same meaningless paranoid chatter.

She sighed as she listened to her older brother tolerate her cousins irrational ramblings.

''I know she did it James.'' Roxanne insisted yet again, ''She did it,'' The red-haired girl, was wringing her manicured hands. Her eyes looked like they were gonna pop out of their sockets any minute and she had a sweaty upper lip that made her look rather unattractive. She had been setting her Head duties aside recently so she could voice her obsessive unreasonable opinions on who pranked her.

''Do you have proof?''

''Do I need proof?''

''Well…''

''Think about it, I humiliate her in front of most of the school, the next morning, I'm A Red Hot Chilli Pepper wannabe. She's the only suspect!''

''But…''

''Just get her back for me. You owe me, after all those times I've got you out of detention, and all those times I've covered up for your pranks.''

''Really? I'm feeling slightly used here… But then, you are family…''

''Are you helping me or not? Stop being so indecisive!''

James Potter really wasn't the world's best decision maker, that's why his favorite flavor of ice-cream was Neapolitan, that way he could have strawberry, chocolate and vanilla, in case he changed his mind. However, when it came to Quidditch, he had a gut-feeling that led his decisions, and he always followed it, even if he ended up making the wrong kind of decisions.

James did play an important part in picking strategies for the Gryffindor team, Alfie Duke, his captain, depended on him. At least that was what James had deluded himself into thinking, since he had hoped that after being on the team since second year he had finally become a vital part of the team instead of just _Harry Potter's Son. _

James knew that the only reason he made the team was because of his surname, but he embraced it, he believed that his name could get him anywhere and anything, and so far in his life it had.

''Alright then, just this once. Normally I only use my powers of pranking for good, but I will come to the dark side.'' James then proceeded laughing in a horribly good impression of a Disney villain.

''You're so weird.'' Lily commented as she left their little group of plotting super villains to go talk to one of her new friends, her name was Anna Wood, and she had lovely dark hair with bright blue eyes and a sparkling personality to match, however she was intercepted by a pair of obnoxious girls in the year above her.

''Hey there,'' an insufferable brunette said, smacking her gum loudly, she was twisting her shiny brown hair with her fingers obtusely.

''Are you James' Potter's sister?'' she asked, smacking her gum again.

''What if I am?''

''Well, I'm Leah,'' SMACK, SMACK.

_Can't you chew with your mouth closed_? Lily thought in aggravation, wincing as the smell of cheap perfume violated her nostrils.

''This is Jo,'' she gestured to her companion, she shot Lily a fake smile and hugged her, ''let's be friends, yeah?''

''Let's not.'' Lily replied darkly, trying to think of exit strategies,

''Excuse me, but I'd like my best friend back if you don't mind,'' Anna said haughtily in her thick Scottish brogue, ''Bunch of parasites,'' she muttered under her breath, ''Come on,'' she said loudly to Lily, ''we've got that thing…you know?''

''Yeah,'' Lily vaguely replied, ''we've got that thing. At that place…''

**James Potter** was plotting.

''So, that's it?''

''Yeah.''

''It's very clever.''

''Yep.'' He replied, popping the 'p'.

''How long did it take you to come up with that then?''

''Not long, it's something I've been dying to do since second year.''

''So not long then?'' Louis chuckled,

James and Louis didn't often execute pranks, but when they did, they were remarkable; it had always been mostly Fred that had pulled off the most ambitious pranks, Uncle George sent Fred a howler when he exploded his first toilet, but instead of opening the crimson letter to receive the scolding of his life the letter echoed George Weasley's praises throughout the Great Hall.

But James was the man with the plan, and Louis was always the _go-to_ guy, that was why they worked so well together.

''Get Kyle down there, he's got a camera, hasn't he?'' Roxanne had insisted.

''Yeah, I'll get some others as well,'' Louis replied.

''But not too many people. We don't want it to be _too_ humiliating.'' He had reminded Louis, ''we're only doing this because we owe Roxanne after she got us out of that incident with the rhino on the fourth floor corridor. '' James cautioned, thinking about how that had been a really odd Tuesday.

''It's gonna be so great.'' Louis agreed.

''So you know the plan?'' James asked for the third time.

''For sure.'' She confirmed, flipping her long hair behind her shoulder, she spotted her younger cousin giving her the evil eye.

''Okay.'' James replied, holding his hand out.

The redheaded girl shook his hand briskly with her own tanned, manicured hand, and walked away towards the stairs to the girls' dormitories.

As one redheaded girl _retreated _from him, another _approached_ him.

''James, what was that about?''

''Nothing, Lily.'' He shrugged her off indifferently; he winked at a blonde 5th year in an exceptionally short skirt.

''Don't lie to me James,'' the younger girl threatened.

''Just leave it Lily, This doesn't concern you.'' He threatened; all amusement gone from his eyes.

The brown haired boy expertly volleyed over the back of an armchair and lounged in it casually, facing the flames of the warm, welcoming fireplace. He knew that his prank tomorrow would go off without a hitch, he had carefully planned it with his partner in crime Louis Weasley, they had both taken on the metaphorical crown of Prankster Prince(s) since their cousin Fred Weasley had left, even though they didn't take it as literally as Fred did.

No way could anything go wrong, everything was going according to plan, he would repay his debt to Roxanne and then she could stop hounding him for favors all the time.

**Lily Potter** was infuriated.

She ran swiftly down the aisle to the Slytherin table, her lungs on fire. She searched frantically for the dark haired, emerald eyed wizard, in the mess of students eating breakfast, when she spotted her older brother, Albus, sitting next to Scorpius Malfoy.

They were both dressed casually in muggle clothing, just like most of the occupants of the Great Hall; they munched eagerly on toast as they watched Lily pelting towards them, she hadn't known who to turn to, but then she remembered that no-one was as reliable as her older brother.

''Albus…You…Help…Bed…Prank…James…'' She said in between pants, chest heaving she motioned frantically for him to follow her.

''Wow, Lils where's the fire?'' Albus chuckled. Lily's eyes widened and she tugged on his arm, Albus half fell out of his chair.

''It's that girl! With the blue hair! You have to help her! She. Can't. Swim.'' Lily exclaimed, while she rushed through the Entrance Hall, Albus following eagerly.

''This, I have to see.'' Scorpius said to no one in particular, following.

**Albus Potter** was appalled.

''Are you okay?'' He asked the dripping wet girl, she was shivering violently, her skinny arms wrapped around herself. She looked traumatized.

_How could James do this to her? Was this what he thought was funny? _James' pranks were meant to embarrass or humiliate, not to distress/almost kill innocent girls. She looked up at him, heatedly shoving her sopping wet hair out of her face.

''I-I'm. Fin-e-e.'' She said through clenched teeth. She glared at him but the effect was more humorous than intimidating.

''Here,'' He said, pulling off his jacket, he didn't wait for her to accept, but instead put it on her bare shoulders. She was barefoot, wearing a white tank top and tiny green booty shorts, due to her wet state he could see her bra through her through her top, but he neglected to mention that.

''T-t-thanks.'' She replied, wrapping the jacket tightly around herself. ''I'm going to butcher that son-of a banshee blithering Potter! I'm going to chop off his ears and feed them to a Hippogriff.'' she muttered under her breath malevolently, Albus couldn't tell if she was being serious or not.

She sounded serious. Deadly Serious. ''How the jiggery pokery did he get my bed in lake?'' she continued her livid mutterings, she'd looked absolutely fuming since he'd summoned her from her floating bed on the lake, where she had been precariously clinging to her bed post, trying not to float away, or drown.

They hurriedly walked back towards the castle the crowd from the lake followed, along with the incessant click, click, flash, of a camera going off every few seconds.

''Come on, Katie darling! Pose for me!'' that pest Kyle Weston shouted from behind his camera, ''Uncross those arms so I can see that lovely bra of yours!'' he shouted lecherously, the crowd laughed, hissing insults and shouting encouragement to Kyle…

''My name is Katherine!'' she shouted back at him, making a swing for the camera, but instead tripping over her own feet. She continued hurrying back towards the castle.

As they entered the Entrance Hall, the girls dripping blue hair created a trail of water on the slippery marble floor, and now people exiting the Great Hall were joining the crowd.

''What are you all staring at?'' She shouted to no one in general. She pushed through the crowd, and tried to make her way to the staircase.

''Hey Duke?'' A familiar voice taunted ''did you get up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?'' The crowd parted to reveal one smug looking James Potter, (or at least someone that looked remarkably like James Potter when Katherine didn't have her glasses on.) Standing next to a gleeful Roxanne Weasley, he was obviously the culprit; this sort of juvenile prank was right up his alley.

''Hey, Potter, you look like Zorro on gay night.'' The drenched blue haired girl shouted, pointing to his clothes, he was dressed in tight black jeans, with a black and white striped t-shirt. He did look nice in muggle clothes, they suited him, but she wasn't gonna tell him that, he was the one who had ruined her Saturday morning.

Ignoring her comment on his attire he said ''Aww, did widdle baby Katherine wet the bed?'' Much to the glee of the crowd who went wild with raucous laughter.

Katherine's cheeks glowed bright red and she felt humiliated like never before.

''What's the matter Katherine? Can't think of any witty comebacks?'' he mocked,

''I could reply with a stinging retort but then you'd be offended and people would tell you to turn the other cheek, which I would not recommend, it's just as ugly.'' She replied vindictively, heatedly shoving her sopping fringe out of her eyes again.

The crowd made a general ''Ooooh.'' Sound,

''You did not just say that.''

''Oh, but I did. You know this means war right?'' she asked him, ideas of painful revenge already brewing in her brain.

''You don't know what you're getting yourself into.'' Albus cut in gently,

''What you lack in intelligence, you more than make up for in stupidity. So shut up.'' She snapped without thinking.

''Hey, who are you calling stupid, freak?'' Scorpius asked, defending his best friend. Albus could only see his friend's intense blonde hair, because he was hidden in the crowd.

''Whom am I calling stupid? I don't know. What is your name?'' She asked turning her back on James to face the other boy.

'Albus Potter.'' He replied, holding out his hand. She simply looked at it coolly before he lowered it.

''Well, thank you. Albus_** Potter**_.'' She said with disdain; her round face contorted in a sneer, ''Here.'' She handed him back his jacket ungratefully. ''Potters. They're everywhere!'' she hissed under her breath.

''Well,'' she continued, turning to face the older Potter, his arms were crossed over his chest arrogantly; he eyed the shivering girl the same way he would have looked at a Cockroach Cluster.

''You..You...Mongoose!'' She shouted, lost for words.

''Oh, shut up Duke.'' He mocked as another camera flash went off in her face.

Katherine cried out in frustration, before running up the stairs towards the Gryffindor tower at full pace, she didn't stop running till she slammed the door of the bathroom of her brothers dormitory shut. She locked the door, turned the shower on, hopped in without undressing and sat down to think.

''Katherine!'' her older brother shouted again, slamming his fist against the hard wood of the bathroom door. ''Come out! The hot waters got to have run out by now!''

''Does she do this a lot?''

''Yeah, when she freaks out she likes to think in the shower. Mum always has a huge go at her about the water bill.''

''Katherine! Please come out!'' for once in his life Jason Macmillan sounded deadly serious, ''you've got to come out, I'm absolutely busting for a piss!'' That explained it.

''I'm going to live here! I'm going to survive by eating toothpaste, I will entertain myself by reading the back of shampoo bottles and I will create imaginary friends out of the bog roll. This is my new life Alfie, just face it!''

''Wench! Stop acting hysterical and get your butt out of that bathroom right now, otherwise I'm breaking the door down, and having a piss right there in front of you!'' Jason threatened seriously, banging on the door once more.

There was silence….until, the lock of the door clicked loudly, and the door slid open slowly, to reveal a very wet, very cold, very wrinkly Katherine.

''My bladder thanks you!'' Jason said as he barged into the bathroom and forcibly shoved her out.

''Wow, he really was dying for a slash.'' She commented, she made the boys leave the dorm while she got changed into one of her brothers t-shirts and shorts, Alfie, like always, expressed his annoyance at her stealing his clothes.

''I know you've got at least three of my jumpers!'' he accused her as he chucked a shoe at her head playfully, it hit her in the nose.

''Ow. You should be nice to me; I nearly drowned, was publicly humiliated, and photographed without my consent today. And all before breakfast.''

''Well, I told you to stay away from the Lake. It is logical to stay away from deep bodies of water when you can't swim, you don't need to be a Ravenclaw to know that.''

''I'm pretty sure no Ravenclaw has woken up, rolled out of bed, and landed in the lake.'' She explained, trying to comb through her wet hair.

''How did your bed end up in the lake?'' Alfie asked her carefully, his expression stony.

''That would be the handy work of one James Potter, but, he can't take all the credit, I'm sure his blonde Labradoodle had something to do with it too. And Roxanne Weasley as well, no doubt.'' She tugged hard on the comb, and ended up pulling out a huge chunk of blue hair.

''He put…your bed…in the lake…'' Alfie asked, although it didn't sound like a question, his jaw was clenched tightly, and an ugly purple vein was pulsing furiously on his forehead.

''Do…you…need…your...ears…testing…'' she mocked him lightly, speaking slowly, enunciating every syllable.

He then proceeded to mutter forebodingly under his breath, pinching the bridge of his nose.

''POTTER!'' he roared, making Katherine jump so high she fell out of his bed.

''What-''

''POTTER!'' he shouted again, heading for the door.

''Alfie what are you-''

''POTTER!''

He stomped down the stairs to the common room, a group of first years in his path scattered like cockroaches when you turn the light on.

Alfie slammed the portrait closed so hard Katherine wasn't surprised if the Fat Lady was hanging on her last hinge.

She retreated back to his dorm and collapsed on his bed, falling asleep. When she woke up her hair was a huge mess of frizzy knots.

She decided to hide out in the boys dorm all of Sunday, but when Monday morning came, Alfie shouted at her for making him sleep on the floor for the entire weekend and then kicked her out of his dorm, ordering her to get her ''Blue-haired arse to class!''

She did plan on getting her blue-haired arse to class, but when she ambled down the corridor her hazel eyes nearly popped out of their sockets when she eyed the litter of posters covering the frigid stone walls of the Hogwarts corridors, it was a picture of her, a muggle picture of her, from Saturday morning resembling a drenched deer. Her eyes were the size of dustbin lids and her vibrant hair was sticking up in countless different directions, she was almost sure that she could see through her top.

''Bed wetter!'' adorned at the bottom of the poster in purple cursive, she decided to skip breakfast and instead violently ripped down every single poster she could get her hands on until the corridors were plagued with brightly colored poster confetti.

They'd been charmed so the only way to get them down was by hand, since her summoning charms yielded a big fat nothing. Though Katherine would admit that she felt a certain satisfaction in the pit of her stomach every time she watched the tattered remains of the posters fall gracefully to the floor.

''Are you on the school decorating committee or something?'' asked a familiar looking Gryffindor boy, he was stocky and well-endowed in the muscle area, with brown hair that he kept sweeping out of his eyes, he was handsome of sorts, if you liked that ''Look at me, I'm an Adonis and I know it.'' kind of thing.

''No, I'm in desperate need of papier-mâché for a statute I'm making of James Potter being kicked in the shins by Moaning Myrtle .'' Katherine replied intensely from underneath the hood of her stifling school robes, she was trying to reach a poster that was stuck onto a window pane that was just out of her reach.

''Let me get that for you.'' He offered in his thick Scottish accent, jumping slightly while he reached up to snag the poster from the window pane, he studied the poster quickly before handing it to her so she could tear it to shreds , ''If Moaning Myrtle kicked someone wouldn't her foot go straight through them?'' he asked, eyeing the fragments of the picture dully,

''Don't confuse me with your technicalities and your logic!''

''These are everywhere...'' he replied, changing the topic, pointing at the remaining pieces of the poster in her small hands, ''I saw one in the boys changing rooms at the Quidditch pitch yesterday.''

''Oh fiddlesticks! If I go all the way down there I'll be late for Transfiguration...But who needs to learn how to change an owl into opera glasses?'' she said mostly to herself, leaving the Scottish boy standing confused in the middle of the corridor, she began making her way down to the Quidditch pitch.

Katherine opened the door to the boys changing rooms cautiously, taking slow steps inside, the floor was slippery and the air held the scent of sweaty socks. She eyed the messy floor and shower stalls with aversion, since first year when she had began sharing a dorm with her messy dorm-mates, she had begun to detest untidy bathrooms. It was ridiculous that the place you went to get clean, was dirty! It was completely illogical.

With difficulty she ripped down two posters from the wall and began to tear them up, she quickly left the changing rooms and stopped to breathe fresh air heavily when she emerged outside.

''Oi! What the hell do you think you're doing!'' Shouted an enraged voice to her left.

''What does it look like I'm doing?'' she replied. ''I'm Jazzercising. Working out to be-bop. Circuit training to John Coltrane.''

She looked up and observed the entire Slytherin Quidditch team, their snot green robes fluttering in the chilly autumn wind; they hovered on their brooms a few feet above the ground, glaring at her intently.

Katherine was disgusted to see Albus Potter among their ranks. He looked like a Tetris piece that didn't fit into the puzzle around the rest of the overly hefty Slytherin Quidditch side.

''Why are you here?'' asked one the larger beaters. He was swinging his bat with his freakishly long arms; Slytherin always did opt for size rather than skill.

''Well, after my parents had my brother, they wanted another baby, so my dad put his pe-''

''No!'' he cut in, ''Why are you lurking, around here? Shouldn't you be in class?''

''Yes.'' She answered. ''Shouldn't you be in class?''

''Yes.'' The beater replied testily.

''Right, so now that we've established that we should all be in class and aren't….I'll just be leaving.'' Katherine deadpanned, breaking the awkward silence.

''Why, so you can report all the information you found out about us to your brother?''

''Yep, you caught me. I'm sooo interested in Quidditch; it is my life, my soul, my everything! But alas! I have no talent on the broomstick, so I am reduced to spying on you for my brother, because, he really needs to know what you do at practice to win the Quidditch cup. Again.'' She explained sarcastically, with a falsely cheery smile on her face.

The beater scoffed at her and was about to reply when Katherine interrupted,

''You!'' She exclaimed, pointing an accusing finger at a familiar boy. ''You look like someone!''

They just stared at her in interest,

''You look like a little man!'' she continued, thinking hard, ''A squashed in French-man…Naked little squashed up hairy boy!''

Laughter echoed around the stadium but Katherine continued unperturbed,

''You know! With the hand feet? The brown little hand foot man!'' she cried, scrunching her face up in concentration, she narrowed her eyes…

''A gorilla?'' Albus Potter enquired from his broom.

''Gorilla!'' she practically screamed, ''you look like a gorilla!''

Her revelation was greeted with total silence, except the occasional chuckle from players not completely terrified at laughing at their burly 7th year captains' ridicule at the hands of a puny 5th year.

Katherine retreated from the Quidditch pitch, while the Slytherin Quidditch captain shouted abuse at her.

A quarter of an hour later she was rushing back through the doors to the Entrance Hall, leaving a trail of poster confetti behind her, she headed off down the now littered corridors to wait till Potions started since there was no point in going back to the last seven and a half minutes of Transfiguration.

Her head bobbing to a song she hummed, she got up from the corridor floor when she heard the bell signaling the end of the lesson reverting across the school.

She stretched her arms high above her head, and did a little jig to get the blood flowing back to her legs and watched the second year Hufflepuffs exit the dungeons classroom swiftly and entered the chilly room; she took her place at a desk at the back of the classrooom and watched with disinterest as the rest of her class trickled into their seats, she was prepared for another mind-numbingly boring potions lesson.

She tried to ignore the whispered comments, the steely eyed stares and the downright blatant pointing but it was pretty difficult when the girls sitting in front of her actually turned their torsos fully so they could face her directly and gape with wide, makeup-coated eyes.

''Settle down, now please,'' Professor Ableworth began, his chins wobbling perilously with every word the portly man spoke. His shiny velvet robes were a dashing scarlet, which clashed rather vilely with his wispy blonde hair.

His brow was slightly moist and his cheeks were their usual crimson selves, he proceeded to explain the uses of Bison horn in Polyjuice potion while the class wrote notes.

After a few monotonous minutes, the class began to settle down and all was quiet when the door burst open loudly, and in stepped the relation of Lucifer, Albus Potter.

Katherine looked up at the disturbance from beneath the hood of her robes that she constantly kept up to hide her hideously blue hair. She eyed the two empty desks in the classroom, one was next to Millicent Bleekley; a peculiar girl who was completely inept at potions and had the distinct aroma of onions, everyone always wondered where the smell came from. Was it her hair? Her clothes? Her breath? _No one ever ventured close enough to find out._

The other empty desk was next to Katherine and currently housed her bag and open potions book. She would prefer it to stay that way.

_Please don't sit by me. Pleeeease don't sit by me. Please Circe, don't let him sit by me._

''Why are you late, Potter?'' Ableworth demanded in a tone that really didn't sound demanding in the slightest. Teachers always seemed to favor the Potters… and Weasleys.

''I…er, I was in the hospital wing.'' Albus struggled to come up with an excuse, when the large speck of mud on his neck, his windswept hair and his rosy cheeks clearly pointed to a rigid training session at the Quidditch pitch.

''Well, as long as you're alright now, take a seat if you please.'' Ableworth went back to the soppy romance novel he was reading, and shushed the occasional whisper.

Katherine watched with disdain as Albus edged ever closer to her desk, till he sat down in the seat beside her and she was forced to move her stuff in fear of it being contaminated with Potter-germs.

She hastily pushed her bag off the table and closed up her potions textbook roughly. Every minute action conveying the frustration she felt within.

''Can I see your notes?'' Albus asked quietly, taking off his fogged glasses and revealing his light emerald eyes flecked with brown and yellow, and wiping the cloudy lenses with his jumper.

''No.'' Katherine replied blatantly.

What followed was probably the most awkward potions lesson known to Hogwarts.

That is until Albus ventured, ''Why?''

Choosing not to answer his question Katherine instead pushed her thick rimmed Wayfarers up her nose and gave him a cynical look,

''Did you know that you're very vanilla?''

''Vanillia?'' his brow creased in confusion,

''Bland, tedious. Plain. Predictable. Boring.'' She explained impatiently, tucking a stray blue hair behind her ear and smoothing her thick fringe down from underneath her hood.

''Am not.''

''Vanilla is for sissies.'' She pointed out, ignoring his protests.

''Well, do you like vanilla?'' he asked, hoping to get a coherent response from the petite girl sitting but a few inches away from him.

''No. I'm more of a chocolate peanut butter swirl kinda girl.''

''I don't eat peanut butter. I'm allergic.''

''Noted for reference incase I need a list of things to poison you with.'' She remarked dryly.

''What are you up to Katherine? Not disturbing poor Albus I hope?''' Ableworth asked from his seat at the front of the class,

''Just comparing notes.'' Albus cut in politely, flashing the elderly potions master a smile.

''Oh, alright then.'' Professor Ableworth replied pompously, turning back to his book.

''Of course, he'd never _even think_ of the possibility that _you're_ disturbing _me_! No, it'll obviously be naughty Katherine disturbing perfect, angelic Albus.''

''And why would he automatically think thatyou're disrupting my education and not vice versa?'' Albus questioned her impatiently, rolling his green eyes at her absurdity,

''Because my name is neither Potter nor Weasley.'' She said simply.

''Like that's got anything to do with it-''

''Oh, it's got everything to do with it, and you know it.''

That particular retort silenced him for the remainder of the most awkward potions lesson known to Hogwarts.

**James Potter **couldn't breathe.

He had been winded for the third time by a Quaffle hitting him square in the stomach, hard.

He clutched his stomach and tried to groan, all the breath from his lungs gone in a sudden whoosh. He wiped his watering eyes with the edge of his robes and tried to catch the three Quaffles currently flying towards him at an inhuman speed.

He groped into the air above him, but his bruised fingers barely grazed the hard leather ball.

''Bludger!''

He heard someone warn, he pulled his broom into a dive just in time for the Bludger to skim the back of his head.

Panting, he looked up at his scowling captain as he hurled a steady stream of abuse at him,

''Faster Potter!''

''That was absolute rubbish Potter!''

''Try harder Potter!''

Just a day ago he had been James, now his Quidditch captain, Alfie Duke, spat his name out like a curse.

James couldn't help thinking that this probably had something to do with the fact that he pranked his little sister.

**A/N: Please leave a review; they are the chocolate cake to the fat kid inside of me.**


	3. Bollo

**A/N: I don't own Harry Potter or The Mighty Boosh or anything else referenced.**

Chapter 3 Bollo

**James Potter** was sure that this was just a nightmare.

He was recoiling over the bathroom sink in his dorm, staring at the small white pearls on the colorless porcelain, his teeth.

His teeth were in the sink.

He had woken up early in the night with a strong urge to piss, he rose sluggishly from his comfortable four poster bed, and he gave the photo on his headboard a quick appreciatory glance out of habit and ambled to the bathroom.

After he relieved himself he washed his hands and splashed his face with some cool water, he ran his tongue over his teeth, a peculiar feeling in his gums.

He regarded wide eyed as he spat a tooth into the sink, there was no blood, just a small indent where his tooth should be, he wiggled another tooth and that too fell to the sink with a small clatter on the porcelain. Before long the rest of his teeth were falling out with a tinkling into the sink till he could run his tongue fully over his slimy gums.

It was not the most comforting thought, to think that he vaguely resembled Grandpa Arthur when he had his dentures out.

**Katherine Duke **was late for Defence Against the Dark Arts.

She stood up from the red armchair by the now extinguished fire and stretched her short legs quickly before hurrying out of the common room and down the seventh floor corridor, it was mostly empty except for a few bleary eyed stragglers who resembled zombies conjugation for an all you can eat brain buffet.

One of those zombies had eerily perfect hair,

''Katherine.'' The zombie with the meticulously sculpted hair nodded at Katherine from her group of underlings.

''Brother-stalker.'' Katherine replied darkly from underneath her hood.

Katherine was forced to acknowledge Bertha, her brothers' creepy girlfriend as she made her way down the corridor and to D.A.D.A.

She joined the queue of pupils waiting outside the door patiently, when they filed into the stuffy classroom, Katherine took a seat at one of the worn desks next to Rose Weasley, (One of the few tolerable Weasleys in Katherine's' opinion.) she was chewing on a chocolate frog leg, while she examined a shabby chocolate frog card. Rose seemed to have some kind of obsession with chocolate frog cards, she apparently had the largest collection of cards at Hogwarts, and she was Head Collector at the Chocolate Frog Club, which she founded.

''Morning.'' She said conversely, from behind her thick curtain of blazing red hair, she swallowed her chocolate frog and started to search for her Defense textbook.

''Hey,'' Katherine replied as she brushed a hand through her blue fringe, ''did you finish that essay?'' she continued, looking up towards the front of the class where Professor McGinley was conversing with a young man that looked vaguely familiar,

''Yeah, but I only did 2 and a half feet of parchment,'' Rose replied sullenly as she opened her book to the right chapter, her large frame taking up a large amount of desk space, Katherine moved her chair over politely.

''2 and a half feet is better than nothing.'' Katherine reassured her, she hadn't even bothered to start the essay.

Katherine didn't know Rose Weasley very well but she was one of the few people Katherine did have polite conversation with on a spontaneous basis, they were in the same year, and were in several classes together.

They were both considered odd by the general public yet Rose still managed to have a small group of acquaintances to hang around with (The vindictive side of Katherine's personality suspected her popularity had something to do with having war heroes as parents.) Rose had even had boyfriends before, she was pretty after all, even if she was a bit on the heavy side; not that there was anything wrong with that.

''Right class,'' Professor McGinley said breathily, she was looking rather flustered and red, her cheeks were an unpleasant burgundy colour and she had a sort of sweaty gleam about her. ''This is Mr. Lupin, he is going to be observing this class for the next few lessons, because he will be taking my place as Defense Against The Dark Arts Professor, I'll be taking a leave of absence for the next year or so…'' she rubbed her stomach fondly, and whispers broke out quickly all over the room,

''I thought she was looking a little round lately,'' Rose commented, tapping her sausage fingers impatiently on the grungy wooden desk they were sat at.

''Everyone start by reading the first paragraph of chapter four, about the Kappa's, the Japanese water demons found in ponds and rivers.''

The sounds of pages being turned and the occasional whisper resounded around the stifling classroom, Rose was still sneakily eating chocolate frogs underneath the desk while she read, letting the colorful wrappers fall to the floor.

The soon to be professor strolled around the classroom nonchalantly, inciting giggles from every female pupil he glanced at, however briefly.

''Hi Rose.'' He whispered conspicuously as he stopped to read over her shoulder,

''Hi Teddy,'' she replied through a mouthful of frog. She swallowed the chocolate and licked her lips sweetly, flipping the page and continuing to read.

Katherine ignored the conversation in front of her and hummed under her breath quietly while she read ahead, she had actually already read the whole textbook twice but she didn't mind reading it one more time. If she read the material beforehand then she wouldn't have to pay attention to the acute details in class, using this system she managed to gain just under-average marks* at school.

By the end of the class Katherine was decidedly bored and couldn't help but feel sluggish, even though it was only late morning. Katherine scratched her chin absently as she packed her things away and chatted to Rose while they both ambled to Divination together.

''You wouldn't mind being partners?'' Rose asked in between reciting the specifics of her chocolate frog card collection, ''my regular partner's in the hospital wing.''

''Course.'' Katherine smiled from beneath her hood as Rose continued to tell her about her cards,

''Still though, It's really hard to get vintage cards in good condition, I have a Dumbledore from the early 90's but he's really beat up. My dad used to collect cards and he gave me all his old ones but he didn't have that extensive of a collection, you know what I mean? He only had about 300.'' Rose continued, getting slightly out of breath as they ascended the stairs to the North tower,

''Why can't we have Divination with Firenze? Then we wouldn't have to get up these bloody stairs all the time!'' Rose grumbled, huffing slightly, her freckled cheeks a bright scarlet.

''I don't really mind who we have Divination with, it's a bunch of trollop in my opinion.'' Katherine said from underneath her hood, even though she hated being inside Trelawney's stifling classroom; the heat of the humid incense-filled room was almost unbearable, Katherine always found it difficult to keep her robes on and her hood up and she'd much rather have Firenze as a teacher because it meant that she wasn't sweating like her brother at the Quidditch Final.

''If you think its trollop why do you take it?'' Rose questioned testily, leaning on her knees as they finally reached the landing where a queue was slowly mounting the ladder to the classroom, she was panting heavily while she glared at the steps they had just ascended with malice.

''It's an easy O.W.L isn't it? You mostly just make up some morbid stuff and she tells you that you have ''The Gift.'' Or something like that.'' Katherine explained, letting her inner Homework-sloth take hold; Katherine never really bothered to do homework till the last minute. Or at all.

''Come on, time for an hour of choking on incense and biting the inside of your cheek till it's raw from holding in laughter at the stupid things Trelawney says.'' Katherine encouraged as she gave Rose a small push towards the ladder.

''Fine. But if she asks me what I see in a bunch of mushy stuff in a teacup one more time I'm going to…''

''To?'' Katherine prompted as she waited for Rose to climb the ladder.

''I dunno! Something violent that I'll come to regret later in life!''

**James Potter** was in the hospital wing.

He had waited till classes had started and snuck out of his dorm up to the hospital wing to get Madam Primrose to sort him out, she may be a ditsy 30-something nurse but she knew how to fix even the strangest of ailments.

''James! Shouldn't you be in lessons?'' she greeted him cheerily as he entered the empty hospital wing with a look of chagrin on his face.

''Shwight pfrobwem. Pwrimwrose.'' James attempted to speak but failed, slobber flying out of his mouth with every word he spoke. His normally bright brown eyes looked dark and frustrated, he moved to sit on a neatly made up bed near the door, the sheets crinkling as he fidgeted while he sat.

''Oh, dear, is it one of those Ton-Tongue Toffees gone wrong?'' Primrose enquired making a fuss of him, instead of explaining himself James just opened his mouth wide to reveal his slimy gums, which were vacant of any teeth.

''Oh, deary me.'' Primrose made a small tutting noise and whipped her wand out impatiently ''Silly children, always getting themselves into a bother…'' she continued like she was a wizened old woman instead of being barely middle aged.

''Densaugeo!'' Primrose recited patiently, James felt a warm sensation in his gums, and felt the distinct feeling of his teeth growing, he smiled brightly till he realized they weren't stopping, he whimpered and glanced at Primrose who was examining her nails considerately.

James tugged on her sleeves and pointed to his teeth frantically,

''Oh yes of course, sorry.'' She flicked her wand at his teeth, which finally stopped growing. ''Now it's just a matter of shrinking them to a normal size…''

If James could have spoken he would have said something along the lines of ''No shit.''.

**Katherine Duke** was not in the mood right now.

Professor Ableworth had told McGonagall the she hadn't been handing in her assignments on time again, and that she was a ''cause for concern.'' After all it was O.W.L year and she needed ''to get her nose to the grindstone.''

So she had to serve detention with the kooky headmistress.

Katherine knocked timidly on the door of the Transfiguration classroom; she was late because she had been having an uplifting conversation with a portrait of an elderly man on the 4th floor.

''Come in.'' the door opened of its own accord and revealed a stern McGonagall crunching on the biscuits she had become so famous for eating during class whenever she got overwhelmed, her wrinkled hand was firmly planted on the tartan lid of the biscuit tin, a steely eye on Katherine's hair. Even though Katherine's mother had sent a letter ahead of her explaining the situation with her hair, most of the teachers still gave her hair disapproving looks.

She had decided to leave her robes in the common room, since it was rather late on a Friday evening and most people would be celebrating the beginning of the weekend instead of aimlessly roaming the corridors.

She did pass a Ravenclaw prefect on rounds but he only gave her a quick curious glance before he continued on his way.

She was regretting not wearing her robes all the more because apparently she wouldn't be having a nice intimate detention with just her and McGonagall, because occupying several seats in the rather crowded classroom was what looked like the entire Slytherin Quidditch team.

''Sit.'' Was all the aged professor said in between crunches of her crumbly biscuits, several hairs were flying loose from her normally tight bun.

Katherine self consciously tugged on the baggy school jumper she was wearing, her brother had chastised her again for stealing more of his jumpers but he didn't mind because when he walked around in his white polo shirt Bertha and the fan club always complimented him on how chiseled and toned he was. Ew.

Katherine took a seat at the back of the room away from other delinquents and began biting her nails in boredom, making a disgruntled face at the taste of her chipped nail polish. She had served many a detention before, mostly for not completing homework or sleeping during class but she was mostly just given a light warning and told to ''Not do it again.'' But she knew how detention with McGonagall went; it usually involved something like monotonously writing lines, so Katherine waited for her punishment patiently.

But McGonagall just sat there crunching on her biscuits like some kind of deranged mental patient.

''I'll be back. No talking.'' She stood up abruptly with a sweep of her green robes and she took her tartan biscuit tin with her.

As soon as the door slammed shut the boys all burst into conversation.

''Mental. That is what that woman is. Mental.''

''Have a biscuit! Have a biscuit!'' Someone did a crude impression of her.

''How long till she gets back do you think?''

''What are you in for?''

The latter was directed at her; Katherine looked up from her nail biting densely, ''Huh?'' she ventured, brushing her fringe from her eyes.

''What…are…you…in…here…for?'' The burly brown haired boy asked again, this time more slowly, as if he thought she was thick.

''Don't patronize me.'' She narrowed her eyes behind her glasses, making the freckles on her nose stretch slightly.

''Sorry.'' He mumbled dimly, eyeing her exposed legs, which were perched precariously on the top of her desk.

''Didn't bother to hand in a Potions assignment. Or twelve.'' She replied indifferently, shifting her feet absently, she raised her eyebrows at his skeptical expression.

''Oooh. What a rebel.'' He replied sarcastically.

''Ha. Ha. I'm guessing your daytime Quidditch practices at the pitch landed you in here?''

''Yup.''

''It's totally unfair that you didn't get in trouble for that…What were you doing at the pitch that day?'' Albus Potter interrupted,

''Why do you care?'' Katherine turned to the interloper of their conversation with a look of intolerance that Katherine reserved for rude waiters and small children that dribbled.

''Hey, just wondering.'' He raised his arms defensively as if to say ''Chill.'' His floppy dark hair was annoyingly falling into his bottle green eyes.

''Collecting materials for my papier-mâché statue of a platypus.'' Katherine finally answered tiredly, lifting her glasses up and rubbing her eyes stubbornly.

Before Albus could question her vague answer, the classroom door creaked open and immediately everyone sat up straighter and stayed silent.

''Why are you all here?'' a scatterbrained McGonagall asked as she entered the room holding her tartan biscuit tin and a steaming cup of tea.

''Detention?'' ventured Katherine quietly, chewing on her nails once more, her hazel eyes lazily eyeing the cup her professor was gripping.

''Oh, yes. I'd forgotten about that…'' she eyed her cup of tea erotically, before continuing, ''Well…you're all dismissed. Just don't tell Neville that I let you go early.''

They all scampered away out of the classroom as quickly as possible,

''Wow, I think her years have finally caught up with her!''

''You've said it! She's finally lost the plot!''

Katherine hurried down the Transfiguration corridor to the moving staircases, but as always Katherine managed to trip on _nothing_, much to her chagrin, and the delight of the rowdy boys not far behind her, shouts of glee accompanied her fall to the stone cold marble floor.

''Come on, that wasn't that funny!'' Albus tried to silence his team mates as held out a hand to the petite girl sitting in a heap on the floor.

''Go snog Peeves.'' Was her vindictive reply.

**James Potter** felt so much better with a mouth full of pearly whites.

He almost felt like bursting into a rendition of ''My Shiny Teeth and Me!'' right there on the Quidditch pitch as he practiced his dives on his shiny Firebolt 3000, the only thing that could bring him down was his sadistic Quidditch captain, who was still torturing-erh-coaching him mercilessly. Alfie had already dismissed the rest of the team more than an hour ago.

''POTTER! FOCUS! YOU'RE STILL PULLING UP TOO EARLY! DON'T BE SUCH A WUSS!'' screamed his Quidditch captain from the other end of the pitch, he charmed another Quaffle to fly his way and James dived for it yet again, his gloved fingers gripping the handle of his broom tightly as he narrowed his eyes at the muddy ground that was approaching him rapidly.

He caught the Quaffle with the tips of his fingers and pulled up sharply a split second before he collided with the earth.

''POTTER! THAT WAS A LOAD OF TOSH! DO IT AGAIN!''

Later that evening he was showered, stiff, and serene as he sat himself down onto a comfy armchair by the warm fireplace in the Gryffindor common room, he tried to steer clear of that vicious cat that clawed at peoples ankles and instead tried to think about who could possibly want to prank him.

The only suspect was of course Katherine Duke. The blue-haired weirdo with all the freckles.

James had to admit that she had style; the teeth thing was rather ingenious. His only thought was how to get her back, in a way that topped waking up to slimy gums.

He decided to consult Louis, right after he confronted Roxanne about this deal with the posters.

She was giggling with her group of followers by the windowsill,

''Roxanne. I couldn't have a quick word could I?'' he asked in a tone of forced politeness, his jaw was clenched furiously as he gestured to the portrait hole, when they were safely in the privacy of the 7th floor corridor he began,

''Why did you put up all those posters? That was definitely not part of my plan.''

''She got what she deserved.'' Roxanne replied spitefully.

''You cannot fathom how much you've crossed the line. You've gone so far over the line you can't even see it anymore. It is just some blur in the distance, the line-''

''I get it.'' She snapped, brandishing her tanned hands in the air exasperatedly

''No, you don't, you always take things too far! You get so obsessive! Just… I don't know; take it down a peg, or something, because those posters, not okay, like, they were just out-of-order.'' He added disappointedly before going back to common room to find Louis.

He found his best mate in their dorm, lounging on his four poster bed lazily; he was writing a letter while probing what looked like a rather exotic packet of biscuits.

''Got a package from Uncle George, new Wizard Wheeze. Just for us. Not released yet. Still a few bugs that need sorting out.''

''Awesome! What does it do?'' James asked as he jumped

''He's expanding his Canary Cream range to include Budgie Bourbons, Milk Chocolate Macaws, and Jammy Dodo Dodgers, he says people are too suspicious when they get offered a custard cream so Canary Creams aren't as popular, and it's about time people started spontaneously turning into birds again.''

''We could use that on Katherine.'' James proposed, taking a closer look at the pranking devices, though he couldn't help but get the niggling feeling that she might have been through enough humiliation, but then again, there was something called the Cycle of Revenge.

''Still hung up on the teeth thing? Let it go mate.'' Louis spoke from his spot on the bed; he scratched his chin and yawned before scribbling something down on his parchment.

Naturally Louis knew about the tooth incident, because they two boys confided in each other for everything, even the most benign, useless things like, what they dreamed the night before or what color socks they liked best.

''Maybe you're right. It would be kind of cruel, I think I'll just let it go.'' James commented, reading the back of the packet.

''That's well-''

''But then again,'' James cut in, ''It did really annoy me that she'd pranked me back, and that she'd gotten away with it, I did get 2 weeks detention for the bed in the lake incident.''

''That was pretty unfair mate, that she gets away scot-free-''

''But, I don't think I have the heart to make her feel bad again, after what Roxanne did with the posters. But on the other hand-''

''Make up your ruddy mind mate!''

**Katherine Duke** probably couldn't express her disinterest if she tried.

Katherine was reading another book about colour changing charms written by an eccentric Norwegian wizard.

She looked up when a shadow suddenly flitted across the page,

''Yes?'' she snapped, eyeing James Potter with distaste.

''Before you say anything, can I just apologize? I am sorry for Roxanne putting up those posters around school, but, I'm not sorry about putting your bed in the lake, because, to be honest you did deserve it…Anyway…''

Her eyes flashed briefly to the biscuit packet in his hand, _Ooh Milk Chocolate._

**Lily Potter** was relaxed.

She really liked school. The lessons were exciting and even the homework was fascinating. She'd gone to a muggle primary school when she was younger, and she thought this was much better. More of a challenge, in a muggle school, they would study animals in biology. At Hogwarts, they turned things into animals in Transfiguration. Well, the older students did, so far all Lily had tried to do was turn a matchstick into a needle. She'd done it, but the needle still had one end that was red, like a match.

She was best friends with a girl called Anna Wood; they both shared a love of Quidditch. Anna's older brother was Keeper on the Gryffindor team like Anna's dad had been, but he coached a national team now apparently. The girls had both excelled at their flying lesson. Since both of them had been given their first broomsticks shortly after they began to toddle.

Currently they were in the library searching for books on Astronomy. They scanned the dusty shelves for anything helpful on the chart they had to fill in. They took down a couple of hopeful looking books and sat down at a table in the corner.

''Okay, it says here that Regulus is the brightest star in the Leo constellation, so you write that there.'' Lily said, writing the label with a flourish.

''And then there's Denebola, which goes here.'' Anna pointed to her chart, they continued like that for a while until they finished their charts.

''Okay, now for the Herbology essay,'' Lily said excitedly, clapping her hands.

''That doesn't have to be in till next week!'' Anna exclaimed loudly, she shoved her things carelessly into her bag and stood up,

''We,'' she said determinedly ''Are going to the common room, to relax, and enjoy ourselves, and maybe flirt with your cousin a little.''

''Eww!'' Lily gasped, ''How could you even think about that, and with Hugo!'' she also packed her things, put she neatly folder her chart and placed everything so it fit nicely into her bag. She stood and linked arms with her friend; they made their way to the warm and comfy Gryffindor common room. They still had plenty of time until curfew, and there were several other students still wondering the corridors. It winter was definitely near because it was already dark outside, and there were torches brightly shining in brackets throughout the castle. When they stood outside the common room, they gave the Fat Lady the password, and entered the common room.

A wave of noise overcame them as the portrait swung open; there was utter chaos inside. There were red feathers flying through the air. People were shouting and running around the room, trying to catch a bright red Macaw.

The parrot was flying around the room, squawking loudly. Biscuits littered the ground; people were turning them to crumbs as they ran across the room, chasing the parrot. A flustered Alfie Duke was shouting furiously at James in the corner by the fireplace.

Someone knocked over an armchair.

Lily and Anna looked ominously at each other and headed for James.

**Katherine Duke** didn't find this as funny as everyone else did.

After she had turned into a bird of some kind, she flew around the room a few times and thought it would be smooth sailing, or rather flying, till she hit a brick wall. Literally.

She gained consciousness in a stiff bed in the hospital wing with a splitting headache and a sore throat.

She opened her mouth to speak but before she could she was interrupted by Madam Primrose, the school nurse. She came bustling in, complaining about shenanigans and shoved a spoonful of potion down Katherine's throat.

Katherine swallowed the disgustingly salty substance and said, ''SQUAWK!''

She clutched her throat wildly,

''Squawk! Sqau-''

''Oh be quiet deary! I can fix that in a jiffy!''

It turns out she couldn't.

''If it hasn't worn off by Monday morning come see me.''

When the useless Madam Primrose sent her back to the Common room later that night she was stuck standing in front of the Fat Lady's portrait desperately trying to get her to let her in.

She had first tried squawking the password but the Fat Lady had just reprimanded her and told her to act sensibly, but now Katherine was trying to mime out the password, with no luck.

_Why does the world hate me? _Katherine thought dejectedly, while she sat down on the cold marble biting her nails edgily.

Katherine woke up the next morning with a stiff back and terrible morning breath, she peeked out of the nearest window and saw the beginnings of a wet October morning, the dawn was fresh, as was the rain that fell lightly from the clouds and the landscape of the Hogwarts ground was cold and harsh; just like the marble floor Katherine had slept on.

She went and gathered her robes from the pile in the corner she had used as a makeshift pillow for her bruised head.

Katherine had no idea what time it was, but the Fat Lady was asleep, and there was no point in trying to wake the vengeful. She obviously didn't let her in because she didn't like her, there was no other explanation. So Katherine decided to go see if the house-elves had set out breakfast, Katherine picked up her bag and shoved her dusty, wrinkled, robes into it haphazardly.

She ran a hand through her frizzy hair, trying to brush out the knots.

Katherine rubbed the sleep from her eyes wearily and slapped her cheek lightly, trying to wake herself up.

She strolled coolly through the muted corridors of the deserted school, she jogged carefully down the moving staircase, taking her time and making sure to greet any portraits that were awake at this ungodly hour with a quick nod and a loud, ''Squawk!''.

She eyed the small patches of light that shined through the frosted windows in the alcoves as she took a detour through one of the few hidden passageways that she actually knew about.

When she emerged from behind a dusty tapestry in the bleak dungeons she did a full 360 and turned towards what she hoped was the Entrance Hall.

When she finally made it to the Entrance Hall she flinched at the sound of her footsteps resounding piercingly as she stepped towards the doors to the Great Hall, it took a lot of effort to open the doors singlehandedly but Katherine's face fell when she was greeted with an empty Hall. Exhaling quietly, she took a seat at the Gryffindor table and pulled out the textbook by the crazy Norwegian wizard again, she opened the weathered tome and begun reading.

She looked up a while later when she heard footsteps muffled slightly by a squelching noise, Katherine peeked up from her book to glimpse a muddy Albus Potter shuffle past the Great Hall doors in the direction of the dungeons.

He was slightly soggy and his trainers were exceedingly muddy, they were the source of the squelching. He was wiping the fogged lenses of his glasses on his jumper, and when he spotted her sitting there unaccompanied he paused and squinted at her, it was obvious that he knew it was her because she didn't have her robes on, Katherine was pretty sure she was the only person at the school who had blue hair.

He popped his glasses back on and trudged towards her,

''You alright?'' he questioned composedly, eyeing the book she was wielding.

Katherine just shrugged, since she knew if she tried to speak she'd just freak him out with her squawking, she turned back to her book, hoping he'd get all the ''Piss off.'' Vibes she was emitting furiously.

''You do know that breakfast isn't for another hour?'' he pointed out pompously, or maybe it just seemed pompous because it was coming from him.

She shrugged again, this time not bothering to look up, even though she could hear him approaching her.

''I'm going to the kitchens…if you're hungry…'' he proposed timidly, now standing right behind her, Katherine hated when people read over her shoulder.

She slammed her book shut crossly and looked up at him arrogantly. She eyed his rosy cheeks and his bloodshot eyes; he had probably gone for a walk, or a run. Why else would he be up at this time in the morning.

He looked rather peaky, but Katherine bet that she looked much worse, having slept rough for the night.

Her traitor stomach chose that moment to growl in anger at the fact that it was regrettably empty.

The sound of her stomach growling was greeted with a chortle from Albus' lips, and a sharp look from Katherine's brown eyes.

''Come on, I know you're hungry.'' He pulled on her arm firmly till she got up and followed him down a corridor filled with still-life portraits of food.

They stopped at a portrait of a bowl of fruit, and this was the kicker, he actually turned and gave Katherine a theatrical wink before gently nudging the pear with his finger.

He obviously thought he was one of the privileged few who knew the location of the Hogwarts kitchens.

The mystery of the location wasn't that much of a mystery, after all, the S.P.E.W club regularly went into the kitchens to try to help the house-elves with the cleaning or preparing meals and such. Katherine owned an S.P.E.W badge, simply because the silly blighters wouldn't stop shaking their tins at her.

She wore it on her persons most days anyway, she actually hadn't seen it since before last summer, and suddenly felt rather guilty for not wearing it.

The pear turned into a doorknob and Albus pulled it open with much gusto.

''Voila!'' he exclaimed proudly, waving his hands in an air of superiority.

_What a smarmy git. _Katherine thought as she stepped through the portrait hole first and was overwhelmed by house-elves appearing at her knees, offering delightful treats and delicious foods.

''Does Miss require anything? Anything at all?''

''We've got anything you could think of…''

''Bacon. Eggs. Waffles. Toast. Porridge. Hash browns. Pancakes. Muffins. Crumpets…''

Katherine felt overwhelmed and just nodded at them all, hoping they would bring her whatever they felt like, faster than the shake of a lambs tail, silver trays filled with food poked her in the shins, she grabbed the nearest one and sat at the nearest of the four large tables and stuffed herself with delectable foodstuffs.

''I never get tired of the impeccable service down here.'' Albus commented as he squelched down beside her with a plate overflowing with greasy bacon, ''Didn't sleep well?'' he enquired, pointing at her bloodshot eyes with his fork.

''You know you're looking pretty rough, no offence.'' He continued, unperturbed by her non-responsiveness.

_You're not looking very spiffy either. _She thought venomously as she swallowed a mouthful of buttered crumpet.

''You know, I thought you were a talker, I would have definitely taken you for a talker.'' He kept nattering in-between large bites of bacon,

_And I would have taken you for a guy that didn't chew with his mouth open._

''Why won't you speak? Is it because you find me intimidating? I'm actually a really nice person, you know, the fame and all that doesn't affect me at all. I'm just a…''

Katherine scoffed loudly,

_Wow, he does babble on doesn't he?_

''Squawk!'' Katherine tried to speak, pointing at her throat with an exasperated expression on her face.

''Well….''

_That's shut him up._

''Do you speak bird or something?''

She shook her head, and pointed at her throat again.

''You're part bird?''

She shook her head again. She mimed eating, and then exploding.

''You…ate and then, blew up? Because for a person that has been blown up, you're looking pretty good, but for a person that hasn't been blown up….''

She nodded yes, and then she mimed a chicken.

''You blew up….a bird? You're a bird killer? You ate a mutant-killer-bird that exploded inside of you...Soylent Green is people? You know the logical thing would be to write this down.''

_And he decides now is the time to utilize his common sense?_

The house-elves immediately appeared at her side with a quill, ink and a piece of parchment, ''Would Miss like anything else to eat?''

Katherine smiled and shrugged, thinking of how it would be if she had to serve people all the time, apparently house-elves enjoyed it but Katherine had the feeling that she would find it dissatisfying.

She hurriedly scribbled an explanation,

_Listen up nimrod, or rather, read up. Your idiot of a brother force fed me poisonous biscuits that made me spontaneously combust into a macaw, I flew into a wall and knocked my little birdie self out and awoke in the hospital wing, apparently the squawking should wear off. Eventually. But I am so going to kill James Potter for this. I'm pretty sure that those biscuits were Wizard Wheezes, so I'll be sending them __**ANOTHER **__angry letter about the state their malfunctioning merchandise, which will probably bring the number of un-answered angry letters to 42… I think._

She shoved the piece of paper at him and he started to read but looked up almost immediately,

''Nimrod?'' he raised an eyebrow and continued reading, his eyebrows ascending higher, and higher.

''Why do you send so many angry letters to my uncle?''

She pointed at her hair with an expression of lackluster.

''A Wizard Wheeze did that?'' he handed her the piece of paper,

_Long story short, because I think I'm running up the list of the words that you actually know the meaning of…._

_Weasleys Wizard Wheeze Party Kit +Truth or Dare + Me = PERMANENT BLUE HAIR. And by the way, I don't appreciate that demanding tone of voice you're using._

''Wow, I never knew you had such a rough time of it.''

_I don't. I just complain a lot. _She scribbled down on the parchment.

''You know, I feel kinda bad for you.''

_I don't need your sympathy. _She wrote.

''Yeah, fair enough, but you could do with my help…Tomorrow is a Hogsmeade visit-''

_Seriously? What? How is going with you to Hogsmeade going to help with anything, other than ruining your standing on the social ladder. _She scrawled.

He read what she said and continued, ''well, if you would let me finish, then maybe you could find out? Eh? I have a way of getting us to Diagon Alley and back, without anyone noticing. Then we go see my uncle, and he'll fix you up…Unless he's not there, but he almost never isn't…''

Katherine had a sneaking suspicion that this would not end well.

What's the worst that could happen?

_**A/N: *marks are the English equivalent of grades.**_

_**Helloooo, everyone. Or the one person who actually reads this story.**_

_**Hi.**_

_**Anyway, funny anecdote from editing;**_

_**So I was going over this chapter, you know, editing, and I had my iPod on shuffle, as you do, when I get to the line,**_

''_**The soon to be professor strolled around the classroom nonchalantly, inciting giggles from every female pupil he glanced at, however briefly.''**_

_**And just as I begin to read the line I press next and the song that happens to come on, out of about 2000 songs, is of course Mr Watson by Ke$ah, a song about how she wants to get into her History teacher's pants. Irony? Check.**_

_**Anyway, I think it's an appropriate song to listen when reading that part of the chapter. Just saying. **_

_**Oh yeah, and review and stuff, that would be great. Cheers.**_

_**Lots'o Hugs,**_

_**Pendurrh.**_


	4. Tundra

**A/N: I don't own Harry Potter, The Mighty Boosh, or Walker Texas Ranger.**

Chapter 4 Tundra

**Albus Potter** was exasperated.

''Squawk!''

''Look, we've already established that I have no idea what you're trying to say, so could you keep the freaky bird noises to a minimum?''

''Squawk!'' the vertically challenged girl held a piece of paper that said, _''Get a MOVE ON!''_

''Just let me eat!'' he was on his third helping of scrambled eggs and he wasn't feeling quite as energetic as he would have liked, it was his second early morning in a row, since Katherine had suggested (Read: demanded) that they went to Hogsmeade as early as possible.

For the second time that week they were alone in the echoing vastness of the Great Hall.

But at least she looked almost presentable now, not that appearance mattered much to Albus, but she looked like she had been sleeping rough the previous night, she was freshly showered and she looked very…awake. And bored.

She was dressed casually in a pair of ill-fitting skinny jeans and a battered green army jacket; she completed her outfit with the purple knitted beanie hat to hide her hair, similar to the one that Roxanne had confiscated the previous month.

Albus swallowed his last mouthful of eggs and rose from his seat hastily.

''_Let's GO!''_ said the newest piece of parchment she had scrawled upon,

''At least she's not abusing the privilege to use exclamation marks anymore.'' He murmured under his breath sourly as he started walking.

''_I can abuse exclamation marks if I want to you trollop!'' _

''Can you stop with the angry note-writing? I'm just trying to help!'' he protested, running a hand through his raven hair, he rubbed his eyes tiredly and yanked her arm in the direction of the Entrance Hall, her ingratitude annoyed him.

Their duel footsteps echoed seamlessly through the marble Entrance Hall, Katherine inhaled sharply as they stepped into the biting cold of the light, autumn rain.

''Chilly…'' Albus remarked awkwardly, glancing sideways at his silent companion.

They sodden grass squelched under their feet, they continued their hushed walk till they reached the outskirts of Hogsmeade, a few elderly witches hobbled around the near-empty streets but other than them they were pretty much alone.

''This way.'' He nudged her into the direction of a colorful shop not far down the High street,

Katherine huffed and stopped outside the door, the sign clearly said, ''Too bad for you, we're closed.''

''Come on.'' He persisted, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket impatiently.

She didn't budge, staring blatantly at the sign, she procured her quill and some parchment and began to write ''They are''

But Albus simply knocked loudly on the door, ''Hello! Anyone awake?''

They waited in the wind till a drained red-haired girl yawned at them through the frosted glass before opening the door,

''Al? It's like, quarter to 9, we're not even open,''

''Nice to see you too Molly.'' Albus entered before giving his cousin a quick hug.

Molly Weasley (II) ruffled her younger cousins' hair and smiled wearily, she was wearing wrinkled wizards robes on her top half but on her bottom half she was wearing spotty yellow pajama bottoms. Her freckled eyelids fluttered slightly as she shut the door behind them.

''Who's your lady friend?'' Molly asked, suddenly alert, she raised her eyebrows sneakily.

''She's not my lady friend!'' Albus protested. He mirrored Katherine; they both impatiently wiped raindrops from their glasses.

''Fine, who's your girlfriend?'' she asked again, her acute brown eyes carefully watching his every move as he paced around the colorful shop.

The numerous shelves were lined with brightly decorated packages and strange devices, there seemed to be a lack of organization in their stacking system but it all seemed to fit in with the unintentionally quaint theme that seemed to be overwhelming the small joke shop.

''We're just passing through…'' he changed the subject quickly as he grabbed her hand and pulled her through behind the counter, there he opened a small door that revealed some steep steps, they climbed the steps quickly and entered what looked like an office, there were several boxes of merchandise, some haphazardly labeled ''Dangerous'' and a few other doors that led to different rooms, there was a lot of clanking coming from behind one of the doors but Albus paid no attention to it.

Molly followed them upstairs slowly, her movements sluggish and unhurried.

''We're going to the main store.'' He explained.

''Isn't that like against school rules or something?'' Molly asked, scratching her head, she moved a box of some chattering teeth from a stool and sat down.

''Technically, yes. But this is an emergency.''

''Really?'' Molly asked skeptically, resembling her grandmother scarily, her shrewd eyes narrow and her brow furrowing frighteningly.

Katherine stepped back and let the cousins speak while she stood awkwardly to the side, Albus suddenly pulled her hat off to expose her outlandish hair, she squawked in protest.

''I'd call that an emergency,'' Molly agreed, eyeing her hair in slight amusement. ''The Floo powder's in the bag over there.'' She pointed helpfully to a large bag at the side of the dusty fireplace, ''Just be back in time before people notice that you're gone, and-''

''Molly! Are you not even dressed yet? We're opening in 10 minutes!'' someone shouted from behind one of the doors.

''Whoops! Gotta go!'' and with that she patted both of them on the head and hurried downstairs.

Katherine picked her hat up from the floor and pulled it on discretely, blushing.

''Well, let's go.'' Albus pulled out his wand and performed a quick spell to light a fire, and then he lithely threw a handful of the glittery powder into the flames.

''Ladies first.''

''_How can I travel by floo if I can't speak my destination? IMBECILE. DO YOU EVER THINK THINGS THROUGH?'' _She showed the scrawl she had made on the parchment at him and pouted.

''Oh yeah, well, guess we'll have to go together. It's a pretty roomy fireplace after all.''

He smiled sheepishly and stepped into the fireplace; without a word he pulled her into a tight embrace before she could protest.

''Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, Diagon Alley!''

They felt the familiar feeling of their bodies whizzing through fireplace after fireplace, Albus held Katherine closely as she tried to squirm out of his reach, but he just pinched her arm and held on tighter, making sure that her elbows where tucked in tightly.

Katherine completely ignored her awkward position as soon as she felt the memorable dizzying sensation she always felt when travelling by Floo Network or by Apparating. She closed her eyes tightly and recited the multiplication tables in her head to prevent the nausea, from a young age she had always loathed travelling by floor or Side-Along Apparating; she always got the most abhorrent motion sickness.

Albus couldn't help but think about how Katherine was so close that he could count the freckles on her neck, and how the hair that was peeking out from under her hat smelt strongly of mangos. Her scrawny body was pressed tightly against his…

Until it all ended suddenly when they stopped and fell face first out of a grimy fireplace into a brightly lit room.

Katherine squawked loudly, and Albus immediately shifted his weight and rolled off her,

''Sorry.'' He smiled at the soot covered girl warmly and pulled her up.

She wobbled precariously and almost fell to the floor again before Albus caught her fluidly, she took off her glasses and rubbed her head, her skin was clammy and pale but she could almost stand upright on her own, and she breathed deeply till she felt the nausea fade slightly, as she took a step forward however, she tripped over a large box and fell to the floor in a heap of soot and Wizard Wheezes.

''Wow, you okay? You're looking pretty green there…'' Albus commented helping her up, she mimed spinning and then mimed being sick,

''Floo makes you feel sick?''

She nodded sullenly and breathed deeply, before putting her head between her legs.

''What's all that ruckus in there?'' A friendly voice shouted heartily, as the door burst open, ''Albus! Looking good! But you've got a little something on your face, right there…'' a tall red-headed middle aged man exclaimed as he practically beamed with pleasure at seeing his nephew pointing at his soot covered face.

''Hey Uncle George!'' Albus greeted his uncle happily; glad that he was visiting one of the few adults in his family that wouldn't question why they were in Diagon Alley, during a school term.

''Come on through, and bring your lady friend!'' he said as he advanced back through the door he entered from.

''She's not my lady friend!''

''Fine, then bring your g-''

''She's not my girlfriend!''

''Calm down,'' he said winking at Katherine cheekily. ''What is your name then, lovely lady that is definitely not Albus' girlfriend?''

''Squawk.'' She replied, not looking impressed, as she wiped soot from her rather green face with the sleeve of her army jacket, she stood up unsteadily but she took a swaying step forward as the man tried to shake her hand firmly.

''Uncle George, meet Katherine Duke, Katherine, meet Uncle George. Now we're all introduced lets-''

''She's Katherine Duke?'' He exclaimed, beaming again, he patted her heartily on the back, still not letting go of her hand, ''I'm so pleased to meet you. Would you care for some free merchandise to prank my nephew with again?''

''Which nephew? You have a lot of nephews. Was it James... James told you about her?'' Albus asked, confused, he happily stepped through into the busy store, eyeing all the customers milling around a new display case containing the latest Weasley Wizard Wheezes Products, Albus nodded politely at the assistant that Uncle George employed as she served a young witch who was buying a huge stack of WonderWitch products.

''Of course,'' Uncle George replied ''he even asked me for advice on how to get her back! May I say, the teeth falling out prank, ingenious! How did you do it?'' George Weasley beamed proudly at the petite girl.

''I'm afraid that she can't speak.'' Albus said on her behalf, jabbing her lightly in the shoulder, but grabbing her shoulder to steady her as she nearly toppled to the floor again. She wearily pulled out a piece of parchment and wrote,

''You are so lucky I didn't just puke on your shoes.''

''Ah, I understand, a true prankster never reveals their secrets!'' George said, leading them to the small apartment that he used to reside in with his now deceased twin, he now used the apartment as a storage facility and private office.

''No, she literally can't speak. James did something to her that changed her into a bird, and now she just squawks.''

''Oh, so that squawk earlier…''

''Yeah.''

''Ah, he used the extensions of our Canary Creams range. I did warn him that they weren't quite ready yet.'' He started rummaging through several boxes, flinging things in every direction, his red hair that was slightly streaked with shiny gray hairs, looked so bright in the gray room that was rather out of place in a colorful, magical place like a joke shop, his wrinkled freckly skin was stretched over his cheekbones as he smiled at them cheekily.

''Hmm,'' he pulled out two books and a small box of brightly colored pellets. ''Try one of these and two of these, and hold still while I…'' he handed her three pellets and waved his wand at her, ''Try to speak?'' he flipped the book open and started reading rapidly.

''Squawk!''

He tried more pellets.

He tried more spells.

He tried potions.

And then more pellets again.

But eventually cured her squawking by simply giving her another more advanced prototype of the Milk Chocolate Macaws, when she molted back into a person, she screamed with joy.

''OH YES!'' she danced around happily, the nausea mostly gone, (Though her face still looked rather green and sickly), while Albus looked up from the box he had been rummaging in, George Wesley rested from all the exertion by sipping contently on pumpkin juice.

''-Wait? Why am I thanking you? It was you that gave Potter those stupid faulty biscuits in the first place!''

Albus chuckled while he watched as his Uncle was berated by a 5'5 teenage girl still only in her 5th year at Hogwarts.

''What are you laughing at Chuckles? I've got a couple of things to say to you, like firstly, you eat like a pig! Chew with your mouth closed! You think too much of yourself, you're not funny, and you don't think things through! You're also terrible at charades.''

When she finished her tirade she sat down intensely on a comfy leather chair at the foot of George Weasleys cluttered desk.

''Wow, this one's fiery, reminds me of Ginny when she was younger.'' George commented as he looked affectionately at a faded photograph on his desk.

''You think you can chortle and make all this go away? I've sent you over 40 letters! And you-''

''We get a lot of letters!''

''Shush!'' Katherine pulled her hat of self-consciously revealing her least redeeming quality, her hair. ''Your products are faulty! You're lucky I don't report you to the Ministry!''

''Wow, nice color, Teddy had his like that before!'' George Weasley replied, ignoring her tirade.

''Stop going on about your freakish family! One of your products did this to me. So fix it. Now.''

Katherine cut in malevolently; Albus was exceedingly bothered by her ungratefulness.

Her normally light brown skin was a very flushed red rather than the earlier green, and her normally bright brown eyes were dark and huge, drilling holes into the eyes of a 44 year old wizard who fought in the second Wizarding War.

''Oh, was it the Party Kit?''

''Yup.''

''We've had quite a few of those. That can be fixed in a jiffy.'' He smiled unashamedly; he flicked his wand in her direction.

Albus' jaw dropped as he stared at Katherine Dukes' completely bald head.

**Katherine Duke** wasn't sure if Weasleys understood English properly.

When she said fix, she was pretty sure she meant fix, not make disappear.

''When you make a problem disappear, that's not really fixing it.'' She deadpanned, feeling the peculiar sensation of the smooth skin on the top of her head, ''Like, just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it's really there. I ignore James Potter all the time but it doesn't mean he's not there. Not that I'm not grateful for you giving me my voice back, but, can you like, make my hair grow back?''

_This is so weird,_ she pondered as she stroked her bald head.

Within a split second she felt a peculiar prickling sensation on her scalp and saw her hair grow before her eyes, and it wouldn't impede. From underneath a huge curtain of her dirty blonde locks she pleaded, ''Can you stop now please?''

The rapid growth of her hair slowed till it came to a stop, Katherine was pretty sure that her hair was past her waist.

''Well, at least I'll never need to use toilet roll again.'' She joked, waving her long locks around erratically.

''I like this one Albus! You should keep her!'' George comment as he edged closer and closer towards the door on the other side of the cluttered room,

''I'm not his to keep!'' Katherine shouted indignantly as she tried to escape from the forest that was protruding from her head,

In Katherine's mind, Frizz + Lots of Hair = An inescapable hell.

''Says who?'' Albus supposed as he watched her tangle her hands further and further in her furry hell that was her hair.

''Says me! Now help me!''

''Well, it seems that you kids have got this sorted so, I'll just be off…'' George closed the door quickly behind him and hurried down the steps to attend to his very successful shop.

Coward.

''What shall I do?'' Albus asked, approaching the bush of dirty blonde frizz.

''I dunno, ever heard of a Severing Charm, genius?''

''Ever heard of a little something called, we can't do magic outside of school?''

''Ever heard of something called, stop being a wanker?''

''I don't appreciate having to listen to your sarcasm.'' Albus commented as he tried to get her tiny hands free from their follicle chains.

''I don't appreciate having to look at your face!''

''Well, if that's how you're going to be then fine.'' And with that Albus tried to turn and leave, tugging on her hair so hard that she fell from her chair onto the hardwood floor. ''Okay, this is bad; my watch is caught in your hair. There's too much of it!''

''Oh, I'm _so sorry_ that my hair prevented you from making a dramatic exit.'' She snapped.

''Lovely. More sarcasm. You're just a little ball of sunshine and joy aren't you?''

''Hold still while I find some scissors! So I can remove myself from this follicle nightmare, go home, and forget this ever happened.''

''Wow, I never knew you were so grateful.'' He spat at her, glaring at the general direction of her face.

''Just shut up and hold still.''

''I am holding still!''

''Grab the scissors then!''

''I have!''

''Then start chopping Potter!''

''I will if you would just hold still and stop squirming for a moment!''

''I AM HOLDING STILL!''

''Not still enough! …That's better, move to the left, no my left, the other-''

''OW! I wanted you to cut my hair Potter not tear it out!'' She cut in, kicking him in the shins.

They were there for at least half an hour, occasionally snapping at each other while they tried to get her hair to release Albus' hand.

When they finally got his hand free her hair was still a long way down her back but at least it was slightly more manageable.

''Well, since I can speak, and my hair is its normal color, I guess, well…thanks.'' She sounded sincere for the first time that morning.

''So, wanna go get some ice-cream?''

''In November?'' Katherine asked, skeptical. She would have thought that going out into the actual Alley would be pretty dumb, anyone could see them, and since Albus was like, famous, they were gonna recognize him, and wonder why he wasn't in school.

In response he burped loudly.

''Your burp smells like eggs.'' She commented, ''what time is it?''

''Time you got a watch! Oh! Burn!''

''Not funny.'' She slapped his arm, and made her way to the door.

''Where are you going?''

''Back to Hogwarts?''

''You're not even going to at least take a look around the shop?'' he gave her his best puppy dog look, which made him look like a Squib trying to work out a Fidelius Charm.

In other words, not so great.

''Well, maybe a quick peek around, and then straight back home. Promise?'' She asked, pulling her hat back on with a bit too much force.

''Promise.''

She scoffed at his stupid expression before making her way down to the busy prank shop, mainly to shout at George Weasley again, but also to buy some pranking supplies. If Potters vendetta against her was going to continue, then she would have to stock up for the winter.

''Why do I have to carry everything?'' Albus protested from underneath the bags he was burdened with, his legs carefully taking short steps towards the door to the downstairs storage room.

George Weasley had been nice enough to give them both anything they wanted, free of charge, though it might have had something to do with Katherine threatening to owl the Ministry.

''You mean, why do I have to carry everything the 10 meters from the shop front to the fireplace?'' Katherine commented, snorting. She wasn't looking forward to another trip through the Floo Network.

''I don't see how you're allowed to comment when you're not carrying anything!"

''Stop whining and be a man! Put your back into it! I've got to get home and see if there's a hairdressers in Hogsmeade that can deal with the disaster zone that is my scalp.'' Katherine held the door open politely for Albus and took some of his load from him.

''Mkay. Let's go.''

''Why are you taking that?'' he asked her testily, the smallest of frowns appearing on his pale face.

''Well, if you take them all, then you might drop something,'' she explained rationally.

She threw some powder into the roaring flames of the fireplace, the flames glowed emerald just like Albus' eyes Katherine couldn't help but notice.

She dutifully stepped into the flames and shouted clearly, ''Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes, Hogsmeade!''

She smiled at Albus as she span away into the darkness of the floo network, but not before seeing the sour expression on Albus' face.

When she fell ungracefully out of the fireplace back in Hogsmeade, she dusted herself off, put her head between her legs, and waited patiently for Albus to return.

This time, she did actually throw up on his shoes.

Together, they hurried down the now busy high street towards the back road near Madam Puddifoots'.

Molly had insisted on directing them to a hairdresser so that Katherine's hair could finally look remotely normal, after she had vanished the sick off of Albus' shoes of course.

They found the hairdressers, not that it was very difficult to find, it was called Markel's and it was very…yellow.

Bright daffodils and daisies were painted onto the store windows, and inside was painted a intense banana custard shade, which clashed terribly with the lilac tiles on the floor that were littered with strands of hair.

''Well, thanks for helping me find this place, and thanks for…everything. Though you were an arse. Sorry about your shoes though. Kind of. Just…bye.'' She said stiffly before turning to face door to the hairdressers.

Cautiously, Katherine breathed out before opening the door and entering, as soon as the door closed behind her senses were assaulted by hundreds of different confusing smells and sounds, a light techno song played in the background while Katherine observed a man carefully cutting a young woman's hair using his wand and a pair of scissors simultaneously.

''Can I help you?'' asked a nasally voice from behind her, Katherine turned to see a middle aged woman dressed in ridiculous pink robes that had Markel's embroidered on the breast in golden cursive.

''I need a haircut?'' Katherine ventured, shifting her weight uneasily.

She had only been to a salon with her sister, and even then she didn't get any say in what happened to her, she was just told to sit down, shut up, and close her eyes.

''Do you have an appointment?''

''Do I need an appointment?''

''Of course.''

''Well, can't you just cut my hair anyway? It's not like its very busy is it?'' Katherine regarded the one occupied chair out of about 10 empty ones. ''It's a hair-mergency.'' She explained sardonically, rolling her eyes.

''Really?'' the snooty woman eyed her skeptically, taking in her soot stained clothes and her scruffy clothes.

Katherine yanked her hat off forcibly, her newly blonde hair pointing in several different directions.

The woman behind the counter gasped theatrically, and she heard a deafening clank of metal on porcelain as the man cutting the woman's hair dropped his scissors dramatically.

''Oh my Circe. SIT DOWN CHILD!''

Katherine felt herself being forced into a seat, and a horrific yellow apron tied tightly around her neck.

''This isn't gonna hurt, is it?'' she whimpered quietly as chunks of blonde hair started flying rapidly through the air.

''Girly, girly, just calm down and let Markel do his thing! Julie! Get the industrial strength conditioner!'' the flouncy man shouted frantically, his eyes shining with excitement.

_What have I gotten myself into? _Katherine wondered as she eyed her reflection in the large vanity mirror in front of her.

**Lily Potter** couldn't believe her ears.

''-Never heard of him.'' Anna, her best friend insisted as she leaned her head back casually while she was sprawled on the comfortable armchair in the Gryffindor Common room. Lily had been idly braiding Anna's hair while she talked about some kind of Martial Arts Champion of the Universe or something.

''You've never heard of the man who discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which he is even more badass than this one!'' Lily protested loudly, feeling outraged,

''you've never heard, of the man who destroyed the periodic table because he only recognizes the element of surprise? The man whose chief export is Pain? The man who grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage? The man-''

Lily's voice got progressively louder and louder till she was practically shouting, her eyes were bugging out of her sockets, her freckled face was turning an unflattering maroon, and her ears glowing crimson.

''Okay, who got Lily started on Chuck Norris?'' James shouted as he approached the two girls casually from across the room.

Anna raised her hand sheepishly while Lily breathed deeply through her nose, her nostrils flaring wildly.

''I did.'' Anna confessed.

''She said she's never heard of him!'' Lily protested, flinging her arms into the hair, a frustrated look on her deeply flushed face.

''Mistake numero uno, my tiny friend.'' James ruffled Anna's' brown curls affectionately, ''Never insult the Norris, it's your duty as a resident of the planet earth to know who Chuck Norris is, that's the reason he doesn't carry photo I.D, because people should know who he is.''

Anna squeaked slightly at James' touch and avoided his eye while she looked at Lily instead.

''So, Lily, why don't we get started on that Charms assignment that's due in on Monday?'' Anna proposed, trying to distract her from that Norris man, and get her back to her normal, calm, state.

''It's only Saturday afternoon, we'll finish it tomorrow!''

''But, we've also got to answer that quiz for Transfiguration!'' Anna insisted, even though she despised schoolwork she would rather endure an hour of reading and, eugh, studying, than listening to Lily go on any longer about that, Macho, Ninja Killer or whatever his job was.

''I think, that Anna's tired of hearing about the Norris.'' James joked with his younger sister, ''If I was you I'd reenact ever single episode of that Texas Chainsaw Massacre show that he's on.'' James continued, trying to irk his sibling.

''Walker Texas Ranger!''

''Whatever!''

**Katherine Duke** was pretty tired.

She'd sat in that uncomfortable squeaky hairdressers chair for over an hour, and she had numb bum-cheeks.

When they finally realized her she paid the snooty woman behind the counter a ridiculous sum of money and departed quickly, but not before Markel, the hairdresser, insisted that ''She never wear that ghastly hat again,''

She carried her bags of free Wizard Wheezes back to the castle, and she knew that it was going to get dark soon, it was definitely not past dinner, but it definitely wasn't an unreasonably late time to return to Hogwarts because she spotted some seventh year Hufflepuffs in the Three Broomsticks as she hurried past.

When she finally arrive back at the castle the sun was about to set and she had rosy cheeks from the cold breeze that had been biting at her extremities for the past 20 minutes, but at least it had stopped raining.

The corridors weren't exactly thriving as she made her way back up the moving staircases, when she came to the vanishing step she jumped carefully but slipped and dropped all her things, all the neatly packaged merchandise went tumbling down the stairs while Katherine's leg sank through the vanishing step.

''Typical!'' she muttered as she tried to free herself, she sat down on the step below and tried to tug her leg out but with no luck.

She let her body go limp so she was hanging by the leg upside-down on the stairs, her newly cut hair was dangling precariously over her shoulders, it had already began to revert back to its frizzy former self.

She spotted some Slytherin girls that looked about her age passing through a corridor below her and shouted for help, they snickered and moved on.

''Oh my Morgana!'' she cursed as she pushed her glasses up her nose impatiently, waiting for someone with an ounce of humanity to come and help her.

**Albus Potter** really hated fourth years.

If he'd heard correctly they had apparently laughed at a girl, who had been inept enough to get stuck in the vanishing step.

Albus sometimes wondered if being Sorted in Slytherin was some kind of cruel joke. He'd been pretty surprised when the tatty Sorting Hat had exclaimed ''Slytherin!'' surprised he had been, but not, in a bad way. He honestly didn't have a clue what house he would end up in, but his dad had told him to trust the hat. So he trusted he haberdashery. And the haberdashery hadn't been too wrong.

It's not like he wasn't ambitious, (When he was younger he insisted that he was going to become Minister of Magic), or cunning, (Let's just say he knew how to get his way.) he was both those things, but… He wasn't heartless either.

Some of his housemates could be really cruel.

But some could be really like minded and rather friendly, like his good mate Scorpius Malfoy, who Albus had befriended at the first day of their first year, they had both forgotten the way to the Great Hall.

He reminisced about this as he hurried up the moving staircase towards the vanishing step, along the way he found a mass of Wizard Wheeze products as she climbed the steps, he climbed a few more steps and spotted a pretty blonde girl lying with her head pointing down the stairs while her left leg was trapped in the vanishing step. She didn't look like a happy bunny as she cried out in frustration and hit the back of her head on the marble step she was resting on.

''Need some help?'' he asked as the girl rubbed her sore head morosely.

''No, I'm fine, really, this is how I spend my Saturday evenings, hanging helpless from a trick step.'' She replied sarcastically looking up at him with raised eyebrows.

''Katherine?'' he asked, disbelieving, she looked like a different person at the first glance, but then when he looked a little closer it was clearly her, he had been so used to her having electric blue hair that the fact she was short and freckly almost didn't register to him.

''No, I'm Margaret ruddy Thatcher!'' she eyed Albus bitterly from her place on the steps.

''More sarcasm? Really?'' he asked, contemplating turning around and walking straight back to the common room.

''Listen Albus, I breathe sarcasm, it makes up for my lack of height. If you've got a problem with it then jog on.''

''And you leave the poor damsel in distress all on her own in the big scary castle?'' he asked, putting on a sweet princely voice, he wasn't going to admit he had seriously considered it.

''It's not like there's dragons about.'' She pointed out from her spot on the steps.

''Dragons are scary though.'' He answered, thinking about Uncle Charlie, and all the scars he had from working with dragons in Romania.

''Yes, but there's not any around here so there's no point in being scared of them.'' She answered logically.

''Okay, then how about, leave the poor damsel in distress on her own in the big scary haunted castle filled with ghosts?''

''That's better.'' She commented, smiling sweetly.

''Except that the ghosts here really aren't…ghoulish….'' He pointed out, thinking about how jolly the Fat Friar was.

''In second year when Sir. Nicolas first showed me why they called him nearly headless I was scared. I nearly peed my pants.''

''Yeah, that is pretty scary.''

''Not as scary as tripping through the Bloody Baron.'' She insisted.

''You've tripped through the Bloody Baron?''

''Yep, it was the most terrifying moment of my life.''

''Wow,'' he breathed, shocked, he ruffled his shaggy hair deliberately.

''Are you gonna help me up or not?'' she instead, frowning slightly, narrowing her profound brown eyes.

''Sorry.'' He replied as he helped her up carefully before roughly pulling her leg free,

''Ow.'' She whimpered, rubbing her leg, trying to get feeling back into it, while Albus observed her quietly with his emerald eyes,

''Your hair's getting frizzy again.'' He commented lightly as he followed her down the stairs to help her retrieve her scattered Wizard Wheezes.

''What?'' she asked in the midst of packing away all her packets of Whizzing Worms,

''Nothing.''

Katherine smoothed her jeans down carefully and took the now full bags from Albus, ''Well, thanks for rescuing me.'' She said in a flat tone.

''Wow, you sound so grateful.'' He replied sarcastically, shifting his feet awkwardly.

''I thought you didn't like sarcasm.''

''Yeah, when it's directed at me.'' He explained, scratching his neck impassively with his pale fingers.

''You know nothing of the crunch!'' she shouted mysteriously before retreating up the stairs.

_She's kind of cute. If you look past the sarcasm and blatant ungratefulness, she's cute in a crazy, sardonic, bite-your-head –off, rather insulting, kind of way, _Albus decided as he waited for her to disappear around the corner before heading back to the Slytherin common room to resume the game of Gobstones he had abandoned Scorpius with.

**Katherine Duke** was limping slightly.

The normally rowdy common room was strangely quiet as Katherine entered and looked around at the many confused faces staring at her; the only person who was speaking was a young ginger girl, who was sitting braiding her companions' hair roughly.

''Whatever!'' James Potter shouted at her, he stood in his normal arrogant pose, his head cocked, and arms crossed coolly.

''If Chuck Norris heard you say that he'd roundhouse-kick you to next week!'' The small first year insisted, she looked rather infuriated.

''Ooh! I'm so scared!'' James mocked her, pulling a disgruntled face in fake-fear.

''I would be if I was you, Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, he steps on necks.'' Katherine warned as she crossed the common room, trying to make her way to the girls' staircase.

''I don't remember inviting you to this conversation.'' He growled, eyeing the bags she was holding maliciously.

''You don't remember much, after all, both your brain cells have to work overtime to figure out how to tie your shoelaces.'' Katherine commented loudly as she climbed the staircase, taking care not to trip.

Entering her dorm, she took off her army jacket and retrieved her bags of goodies before emptying them over her bed, scouring for something she could use to get James back for turning her into a bird.

She almost cackled with mirth when she found the perfect weapon in the form of a tiny package that would yield big results.

Bulbadox powder.


	5. Jungle

Chapter 5 Jungle

**Katherine Duke **knew she should probably do something productive.

She was sat twirling her quill between her fingers in the Great Hall. Care of Magical Creatures had been cancelled due to the ghastly rainstorm outside, so her class was sat in the Great Hall, they were supposed to be copying out pages forty-two through fifty from their textbooks, but not even the Ravenclaws were getting on with their work.

She sat slightly away from the large group of chatting 5th years, lazily sweeping her quill through the air.

They'd only been sat there for seven minutes or so, but she was already bored, Winifred Iverson, the Hufflepuff Katherine normally talked to during Care of Magical Creatures wasn't in class today, apparently something had gone amiss during Potions, and she'd been admitted to St. Mungos'.

''Alright?'' Albus Potter asked politely as he sat down beside her. He opened his textbook as a formality without actually bothering to turn to the right page, he watched her curiously as her brow furrowed slightly.

''Hi.'' She sighed slightly, shuffling away from him slightly, why was he talking to her?

''Bored?''

''Yep.'' She answered flatly.

''It's raining outside.''

''I noticed.'' She replied sourly.

She stuck her quill in her mouth absently for a few seconds before throwing it away in disgust.

''Not. A. Sugar. Quill!'' She said, spitting out pieces of wet pheasant feather.,

He chortled at her expression as she scraped her pink tongue with her fingernails, ''Ew!'' she moaned.

''How could you forget it wasn't a Sugar-Quill?'' he asked her, patting her on the back firmly as she choked on the some soggy feather.

''I-''

Her reply was drowned out by a deafening snore. Immediately all eyes were on the Hagrid, but all conversations resume shortly as if nothing had happened. That is, all eyes except the milky blue ones that had been watching their interaction for a few days now, but Katherine barely noticed Nathan Wood staring at her as she scowled at the ceiling.

''I wish it would stop raining, the ceiling is looking particularly dreary today.'' she complained, finally shaking off some of her hostility, but stopped talking and raised her brow to eye McGonagall stumbling into the Great Hall.

The remnants of her neat bun were flying wildly around her, and her normally sharp eyes were crazed and slightly confused, she was wielding the tartan biscuit tin that she was never without, and large biscuit crumbs graced her robes.

''What are you all doing in here?'' she demanded, sounding rather hysterical, a group of Slytherin's giggled behind her back, ''Detention! All of you!'' she turned around, ''You lot! 5000 points from Slytherin!''

The class voiced a collective gasp.

Behind her, a dark haired figure paused as he hurried past the Great Hall.

''Minerva?'' he questioned, approaching her cautiously, ''Is everything all right?''

''Neville!'' she exclaimed, brandishing her biscuit tin at him, ''Everything's just ruddy spiffing! Here, have a biscuit.''

He declined politely before leading her away, before telling them to dismiss the 5000 points from Slytherin.

''She's completely off her rocker isn't she?'' someone commented after they left.

''She must be going senile.''

''Absolutely. How old is she, like 304?'' another joked.

Laughter ensued.

The next morning at breakfast Deputy Headmaster Longbottom announced that McGonagall was retiring and he would be taking over as Headmaster and Head of Gryffindor, effective immediately.

The announcement surprised no one, McGonagall had been acting nuttier and nuttier every year , her years had finally caught up with her.

There was lots of applause and cheering, and even wolf-whistles from some of the girls who wouldn't mind a piece of Longbottom. Married or not, he was possibly one of the few attractive Professors at Hogwarts, except maybe that young lad that would be taking over for Defence after McGinley left to have her baby, Professor... Lurpak was it?

After _Headmaster _Longbottom had finished his speech the morning post arrived, but there were very few people who received any letters from the sopping owls. Katherine got splattered in the face with dirty rain water by her family owl, Nit-Picker.

Nit-Picker nibbled at some of Katherine's toast as she read the soggy letter from her mother,

_From the Desk of Helen Rosemarie Duke, Whizz Hard Books inc. Lot 6b – 7a Diagon Alley, London. _

_Dear Kitty,_

_Hi! How are you?_

_I got a letter from school a few weeks ago, you got detention again? You need to try harder! We'll talk about this with your father when you come home for Christmas._

Katherine rolled her eyes, most of the time her parents were too busy to even have dinner together most evenings, let alone sit down and have a serious talk about her schooling together.

_Speaking of Christmas, your grandparents are coming over from Florida, which will be lots of fun, and there's gonna be a special surprise for you and Alfie when you get home!_

She raised her eyebrows? A surprise? Katherine hated surprises.

_Bundy is refusing to get into the bathtub again; he is also refusing to excrete his faecal matter anywhere but the front garden. That dog is going to be the death of me! And I know you don't like it when you he doesn't wear his bowties but, he just growls at your father whenever he tries to slip one over his head. He honestly tried to bite me when I used a cleaning spell on his fur; I'm definitely not trying that again! _

_Pearl on the other hand, is being just lovely, she licks my ankles the second I come home from work, which is going great by the way._

Katherine's dogs were her pride and joy, but Bundy was definitely her favourite.

_I've got a very famous client, but I'm afraid I can't tell you who it is yet, not till she signs the contract anyway, and I'm trying to persuade her to let Whizz Hard Books to publish her Wizardography! It's all so exciting, I'm so very busy, but it should all die down after Christmas, Circe knows I need a good break!_

_Your father's just as busy as well, he's had another offer from the Scottish National Team, they're asking him again to be their Head Quidditch Medi-Wizard, first the Wigtown Wanderes, now the Scottish National team, your father seems to be really popular in Scotland, but you know how much your father loves working with the team he supports, I don't think anything can make him leave the Arrows._

For as long as Katherine remembered her father had been a die-hard Appleby Arrows hand. He has been Head of their Medi-Wizard squad for 6 and a half years, the only time in those years he's never worked with another team except, when he healed the English National team for their short-run in the last World Cup.

_Well, that's all the news I've got, send me a letter back soon, and please try to stay out of detention!_

_Love,_

_Mum._

Shaking her head at the letter, frowning slightly, Katherine's thought drifted back to the surprise.

Even if it was a good surprise, the fact that it was good surprise would be made completely irrelevant by the fact that it was a surprise. Katherine didn't like things to be sprung upon her, she abhorred surprises.

''Someone's spat in your cereal haven't they?'' someone asked from behind her,

''No.'' She replied, turning to Albus Potter, who eyed her sour expression with interest.

''Then...You can't figure out how to operate your cutlery correctly?'' he ventured, crossing his arms.

''Nope.''

''Well, then, you're a mystery.''

''Not really, if you simply asked what was wrong then I'd tell you.''

''But where's the fun in that?'' he chuckled.

''Whatever,'' she shrugged, picking up her bag, she swung her leg over the bench and stood up,

''You're wearing trousers.'' He observed, eyeing her legs.

''It's been pouring it down since yesterday, we live in a castle, and I have to go to double Potions in a cold, damp, dungeon. Of course I'm wearing trousers.'' She replied haughtily, running a hand through her frizzy blonde hair.

''Fair enough.''

''You've got double Potions next as well haven't you?'' she asked him, her tone suddenly sweet as Cauldron Cakes, a mischievous grin flashed briefly over her face.

''Y-yes.'' He answered cautiously, walking with her as they exited the Great Hall together.

''We had to draw that diagram of those cabbages, didn't we?''

''Draw and label a Chinese Chomping Cabbages?'' He recited, ''yeah, why?''

''Did you do it?'' she questioned, raising a sole eyebrow impressively.

''...Yes. Come this way.'' He took a sharp left turn down a corridor which was apparently, a short-cut.

''Let me copy it?'' she asked sweetly, jutting out her lower lip in what she hoped was a pleading fashion.

''Um, yeah. Course.'' They stopped walking and he started rummaging through his bag till he found a neatly folded piece of parchment, he handed it to her with an encouraging smile.

''Cool.'' She replied before pulling out her wand from her robes and waving it swiftly over the assignment and muttering, ''Geminio.'' And then suddenly there were two Potions assignments. She handed him back the original copy and shoved hers into her bag hastily.

''It'll disappear in a few hours, but Ableworth will probably think that he's misplaced it, so I'll be fine.'' She commented as they continued walking.

''Fair enough.'' He agreed again. Not minding the slightest that she was using him shamelessly.

''We're gonna be late.''

''Good thing you've got me.'' He replied coolly, waiting for his thank you.

''Yeah, 'cause there's not another 30 or so people that I could copy off.'' Katherine joked,

''No ,not that, and you still haven't said thank you. What I meant was that you're lucky you've got a Slytherin who knows his way around the dungeons.''

''...Thanks.''

Albus wasn't sure what exactly she was thanking him for, but it made him smile.

Even though her voice was laced with sarcasm.

''You really are rather dreadful at expressing gratitude.'' He chastised. He'd never thought it could be because she wasn't used to getting help of any kind from anyone.

She rolled her eyes and pushed open the door to the empty Potions classroom. They were early.

Professor Ableworth barely glanced up at them from his latest romance novel as they took their seats, Albus decided that Scorpius wouldn't mind if he was on his own for just one lesson and sat down beside Katherine.

**James Potter** was utterly exhausted.

Eyeing the disgustingly gloomy ceiling, he got spattered with rain by the few owls that delivered morning post.

''Where's my Daily Prophet?'' Louis complained.

Looking around at the minority of wind-battered owls James could see that Louis wasn't the only one who hadn't received his newspaper.

''Probably the rainstorm.'' James said through a mouthful of roast potatoes, glancing at the ceiling, foreboding clouds made the Great Hall feel darker than normal; it didn't look like it would let up any time soon, which meant that they would get soaked at tomorrow's Quidditch match against the Ravenclaws.

''This storm is a bit ridiculous, isn't it? It's November now, there should be snow storms, not thunderstorms.'' Louis complained.

James ignored him and closed his eyes tightly, yawning.

''I'm so sodding tired. That last-minute practice yesterday nearly killed me,'' James commented as he reached for another glass of water.

''And I can't believe that Alfie insisted you stay here over the Christmas holidays to practice! You're gonna miss Uncle Harry's New Year's party.'' Louis grumbled,

''Yes, because that's the highlight of my Christmas holiday.'' James replied sarcastically, leaning his head in the table.

''Admit it mate, you love it. All the girls trying to get off with you, fawning over you... You're famous, so you might as well take advantage of it.'' Louis advised through his mouthful of porridge.

''Sometimes I wonder whether why you aren't in Slytherin with my brother...''

''Hey! I resent that! I'm just as much a Ravenclaw as I am a Slytherin!''

''Actually, I always thought of you as more of a Hufflepuff.''

''A duffer I am not!'' cried Louis before throwing a fried egg at James' face.

**Albus Potter** wasn't going to admit anything.

No matter how much Scorpius pestered, he would not say a peep. Not make a sound.

Not even if Scorp threatened to stab him with his expensive, lethal looking quill.

Okay, _maybe_ if he stabbed him with his quill. Maybe he would hint at it, but he wasn't going to admit it.

''Come on! It's obvious!'' Scorpius had insisted.

''Shut up!'' Albus hissed under his breath, he looked up from his parchment, Teddy, er, Proffesor Lupin, gave him a stern look before turning back to the blackboard.

''You make it obvious.'' ''You're a very obvious person.'' ''You're obviously obvious.''

''Shh!''

''You go redder than your cousin's ears whenever she smiles at you. You'll take any excuse to touch her, to even just brush your hand against her cheek, and you've been ditching me for weeks now to go talk to her. Admit it, you fancy Katherine Duke. You fancy the pants off her, and you know I know. So just admit it, because the first step to getting rid of a problem is admitting you have one.''

Albus was never going to admit it, never ever ever. Never.

Out loud.

**Alfie Duke** was freaking out.

His first Quidditch match of the term was in just a few measly hours and the younger Gryffindor's were being excruciatingly annoying.

All Alfie wanted was for them to stay in their dorms while the older years had a Post-Victory-Celebration-Party-Piss-Up.

''Okay, listen Weasley, we can do this the easy way, or the-''

''Hard way, yeah yeah. Like my mum's never said that to me.'' Hugo Weasley cut in sarcastically, he ran a hand through his hair and gave the older boy a ''Are we really gonna do this?'' kind of look.

''No, what I was saying before you interrupted me was, we can do this the easy way, or the easier way.'' Alfie snapped, glaring down at the first year.

''Okay, what's the easier way?'' the redhead asked, intrigued.

''I bundle you and your little friends into your dorm, and charm the door locked.'' Alfie replied stonily.

After a short pause and an unflattering squeak from Hugo, he asked, ''E-erh, what was the other option?''

''You stay in your dorm willingly, and I supply cakes, pop and all that stuff.'' Alfie persuaded, smiling encouragingly. ''What will you be doing tomorrow night then?''

''I think I'll be in my dorm, eating cake with my mates, while the older kids party in the common room.''

''Good boy.'' Alfie said, ruffling the younger boy's hair.

''Oi! Big Bro! Yo!''

Alfie turned to greet his younger sister, grinning. ''Oi! Little Sis! Yo!''

''I am not little!'' she insisted, pinching him lightly on the arm,

''Really? 'Cause it sure looks like it from all the way up here.''

''Shut up!'' she said, moving to sit herself down on the nearby window seat, glancing out worriedly at the stormy weather outside, the sun had just gone down, but the clouds obscured even the tiniest glint of twinkling stars.

''Are you coming to the party tomorrow night?''

''What party?'' she asked, absently biting her fingernails.

''The 'Yay-We've-Smashed-Ravenclaw-To-Smithereens' Party.'' He assured.

''You're really that convinced that you'll win?'' she asked sceptically.

''Yes. Touch Wood.'' He sat down beside her but jumped again to pat Nathan Wood on the arm as he passed by them.

''Very funny.'' Nathan sniped before giving Alfie's younger sister a curious look as he went to sit down near the bookcases in the corner.

''I'm gonna go use your shower now, since The Dorm-mates are camped up in my bathroom.'' Katherine declared, grimacing.

''Fair enough. I think Malcolm's up there though, make sure to knock.''

''Of course. I like not having to claw my eyes out of their sockets.''

**Katherine Duke** wasn't that good at sneaking.

She ended up tripping into the Gryffindor 6th years dorm, after listening at the door for five minutes to make sure it was empty.

It was only in a slightly dishevelled state, much tidier than she would have thought a fifth year boy's dorm would have been.

She approached the nearest bed; it was definitely the right one. The trunk at the foot of the bed read, ''J..''

She pulled out the colourful cardboard packet from her book-bag and pulled on a pair of winter gloves before beginning to sprinkle the powder all over the sheets, the pillowcases, and then she opened his trunk and grinned widely.

James Potters' Boxers.

What the girls in her dorm wouldn't give to be where she was now.

She gave every pair of boxers a hefty sprinkling of the powder before searching for pyjamas. Turns out he didn't have any.

When Katherine had finished the packet, she put the empty Bulbadox Powder packet into her bag, and then gingerly took off the gloves, being careful not to touch the outside with her bare hands.

She chuckled before making her way to the 7th year boy's dorm to shower. Not even noticing the picture of a soaking wet girl with blue hair pinned up on his headboard within the mass of pictures of exploded toilets and fireworks displays in the kitchens.

The next morning, she woke up groggily and shuffled around the dorm, dressing in warm clothes, before searching for a jacket and an umbrella, the rain still hadn't let up.

The time was 11:36, which meant that Alfie would be in the Great Hall, trying to force-feed his team oatmeal.

In the Great Hall, Katherine rubbed her tired eyes as she sat down next to her older brother, she had been wrong, he was trying to force feed them muesli.

''-and in 15 minutes I want all of you down at the pitch doing warm-ups, that includes stretching, running two laps around the pitch, then stretching again, then a few practice formations and we'll be ready. Understood?'' Alfie was fidgeting while he talked, playing idly with a half-eaten bread bun.

The Gryffindor Quidditch team responded by means of grunting unintelligibly. The Scottish boy from the corridor sat alert at the table, while Hornsby, the burly sixth year beater sat slumped in his seat, rubbing his eyes.

Alfie however was bouncing in his seat.

Katherine yawned before patting him on the shoulder, ''It should be illegal for you to be this energetic on a Saturday morning.'' She deadpanned before reaching for the coffee pot and watched James Potter, who sat across the table from her, with interest, over the rim of her cup.

While he writhed on the Gryffindor bench Katherine realised something, she now knew why the villains enjoyed telling people their evil plans, it was fun to watch people squirm.

After the team had finished eating (read: being force-fed.) they all stood together and made their way out of the hall with cheers from their fellow Gryffindors, every one of them approached Katherine and rubbed her head lightly before departing. This ritual had been going on since her fist year. She was not amused. It made her feel dwarf-like. Even Eleanor, the female fourth year Beater had at least a few inches on Katherine. She tried to duck out of the way when Potter attempted to rub her head but Keiron Mulligan, one of the Chasers, held her still, chastising her about breaking tradition. It was not funny, nor was it fun.

It was, on the other hand, fun to watch Potter miss the Quaffle, again, and again, as he scratched himself in places first years should not have to see be scratched.

At the pitch, she was sat in her usual place in the Gryffindor stands, parallel with Alfie's goal hoops. All he had to do was glance to the right and see his biggest fan cheering him on, unfortunately, Bertha; his crazy obsessive, fan-girlish girlfriend was sitting next to her. Bertha, being a paranoid plastic Barbie-girl-lipstick-zombie type, had of course brought the world's biggest umbrella to shield her perfect hair from the rain, it was scary how in all the time Katherine had known Bertha, she had never seen her with a hair out of place. Never.

Today was one of the few games that Katherine wasn't completely focused on her brother, she had stolen Bertha's Omnioculars at the beginning of the match and had her eyes trained with mirth on James Potter, watching her prank get funnier and funnier.

''And Potter seems to have dropped the Quaffle again, he also seems to have dropped any allusions about being an actual player in the match, he's finally going to admit that he's just something to keep the Bludgers busy.'' The commentator said, the Gryffindors began booing him. Who let a Slytherin commentate?

''Hey!'' he replied indignantly, ''I'm just calling it like I see it! ...Speaking of Bludgers, Ephram has just hit a lovely little blighter in the Gryffindor Keepers direction, let's see how Duke handles it. I think his face could use a good pounding to be-sorry Professor Longbottom!''

Katherine turned her Omnioculars anxiously on her brother, and held her breath as he effortlessly dodged the bludger and caught the Quaffle flying at his head like this happened to him every day, which it kind of did.

''OH! Wood has seen the Snitch! That's right everyone Nathan Wood is off! He circles around the Ravenclaw scoring hoops, and here comes Ravenclaws Seeker, hot on his heels, but no! Marie Douglas takes a Bludger to the shoulder, come on Ravenclaws pull yourselves together, they're only Gryffindors! They play worse than the Cannons for Merlin's sake...''

Katherine ignored the commentator and zoomed in on Potter's expression. She laughed loudly again until she felt like he was looking directly at her, turns out he was. She laughed louder still.

Knocking loudly on the changing room doors, she cried ''Girl Alert! Is everyone fully clothed?''

And waited for a resounding yes before entering cautiously, the changing rooms were even grubbier than before. She cast her eyes over the mucky floor and the various pieces of kit strewn all over the floor until,

''Woah! She cried, covering her eyes, ''I fully clothed means clothed in more than a pair of boxers! I'm talking to you Corridor boy!'' she pointed in what she hopes was his direction, the other boys on the team laughed at her, they were used to Katherine's antics, she was babied by pretty much the entire team.

''Katherine, are you looking for your brother? He's in his little office, but I wouldn't go in there, it's pretty intense...'' Corridor Boy advised, ''and my name is Nathan, by the way, not that you ever bothered to ask or anything.''

''Sorry,'' she replied absently, when the door opened behind her again, she turned and uncovered her eyes and spotted Albus Potter, he smiled at her as he shook rain out of his hair and stepped into the warmth.

''Hi, Katherine, is my brother still here?'' he asked anxiously, looking around.

''Dunno.'' Katherine said, trying to keep herself from giggling from the thought of James Potters idiotic larking about during the game.

''It's just that, he didn't look so great out there today...''

Katherine bit her lip to keep herself from smiling broadly, she was pretty proud of her handy work.

''Why are you here Potter?'' Nathan, spat at Albus, scowling as he slipped on a shirt, now fully dressed he crossed his arms and stalked towards him cockily.

''Need to talk to my brother.'' Albus replied through gritted teeth, raising himself to his full height.

Wow, awkward much?

The bustling of boys getting ready to leave the changing room came to a halt as they drank up the tension.

Albus and Nathan glared at each other.

Until Katherine burst into a loud, conspicuous coughing fit. Albus immediately rushed to pat her comfortingly on the back, her face went bright red and she bit her lip when she finally stopped coughing.

''Sorry...chocked on my spit.''

The tension broke across the room as a few people laughed and shook their heads at her. Hornsby and a boy Katherine was sure was called Stanton rubbed her head affectionately and muttered something about good look charms as they left the changing room hastily, probably eager to get to the party that was sure to be starting up in Gryffindor tower any minute now.

After they left Albus attempted to strike up a conversation with Katherine, sitting down beside her he leaned his shoulder against hers until she shifted and stood to peek through the small window in the door of Alfies office.

She managed to catch a glimpse of scarlet robes before the door slammed open, hitting her square on the head, hard. It hurt.

Katherine voiced how much it hurt by growling several colourful swears.

''Sorr-oh, it's you.'' Potter began, glaring at her like he would like nothing more than to smash her face against the door frame a couple more times. Instead of inflicting violence on the petite blonde girl he left the warmth of the changing room still in his Quidditch kit and stumbled into the rain outside without a word.

Alfie came to inspect the bump on her head as he left the office with a stony face, before leaving to make his way to the Gryffindor tower, reminding them all that they were all invited to the party.

It was now just Katherine, Albus, Nathan, and stony silence that occupied the Gryffindor changing rooms. Seekers and their bloody Quidditch rivalries.

''So...Are we just gonna stand here and glare at each other, or we are gonna par-tay?'' Katherine asked sceptically, rolling her eyes as Nathan stood abruptly and watched with interest as Albus placed his hand on Katherine's lower back as he held the door open for her.

The Gryffindor common room was decorated with red and gold banners flung about, hanging loosely from the ceiling fixtures, there was a large Wizards Wireless pumping out loud rock music and a small space had been cleared for a dance-floor, a table had been set up by the window that held every kind of treat imaginable, but also quite a few alcoholic drinks, however there was no-one below fifth year in the fray of the common room, Alfie had made sure of that.

Katherine took all this in as she made her way down the stairs, her shoulder-length hair in frizzy ringlets, and she wore her favourite electric blue, star adorned dress.

The sheer loudness of it all was rather overwhelming for anyone who hadn't been to any of the previous Gryffindor parties; they were notorious for being rowdy, reckless and alcohol-fuelled.

Grabbing what looked like a cup of cordial before deciding to say hello to her brother and go back to her dorm and take advantage of the bathroom being free for a nice hot bubble bath, she scowled as she watched her dorm-mates dance in the middle of the room..She had been forced to use her brothers bathroom again to get ready after she had come back from the Quidditch pitch.

Tripping over someone's foot she spotted her brother on the shoulders of some seventh year boys, waving to catch his attention, he gave her a thumbs up and shouted something incomprehensible, his supporters began cheering loudly and chanting his name.

Sipping her cordial, Katherine spotted Winifred Iverson; the Hufflepuff she spoke to in Herbology, Winifred caught her eye and made her way over to Katherine,

''You're back from St .Mungos!'' Katherine exclaimed brightly, patting her arm encouragingly,

''Thank Morgana, you wouldn't believe how annoying only speaking in subtle metaphors for three weeks is. It was a nightmare just asking for a glass of water!'' Winifred said, her head bobbing to the music.

''And you won't believe how annoying it is to have Albus Potter bothering you in Herbology because you're not there to talk to me.'' Katherine joined in with her complaining, before Winifred nodded sympathetically and practically shouted,

''I'd love to have at least one Potter bothering me, let alone two!'' she wiggled her eyebrows suggestively, ''I've been hearing more about your pranking endeavours, and I think that you need to dump the cordial and get yourself a stronger drink my friend.''

Winifred grabbed her arm and stumbled towards the drinks table, it was obvious she was at least tipsy already; she was smiling infectiously at everyone she locked eyes with.

After much pestering, Winifred convinced Katherine to down Firewhiskey shots with her. Katherine winced as the alcohol burned her throat on the way down, before saying a quick goodbye to Winifred who insisted on hugging her and telling her, ''You're hair smells like the rainforest.''

Katherine was about to make her way up the girl's staircase when someone tapped her shoulder lightly, she turned to see an uncomfortable looking Scorpius Malfoy who told her that Albus was looking for her before walking off to join a group of Ravenclaws in a game of Exploding Strip Poker; it didn't look like it would end well.

Albus spotted her from the drinks table and pushed through the crowd to get to her.

''Hi!'' he had to shout because they were standing too close to the Wizards Wireless.

''What?''

''I said, hi!''

''What?''

Rolling his eyes, he pulled her away, to the Exploding Strip Poker game that was going in on the floor near the fireplace, a Ravenclaw girl had already taken off her tights and Scorpius had lost his left sock.

They sat on the couch and watched the game with interest until Albus tried again, leaning in he greeted,

''Hi!''

''Lo.'' Katherine replied with a grimace.

''Why the long face?''

She shrugged and picked up a nearby bottle of Elf Wine that was resting against the leg of a coffee table and took a small swig out of it, for lack of things to do.

''You look nice.'' He complimented, she chocked on the wine, spitting some of it out.

''You look...red.'' she replied, eyeing his flushed face and hazy eyes; was everyone at this party drunk except her?

Jeers and a loud bang alerted them to the fact that one of the Ravenclaw boys was pulling his shirt off, more people joined the game.

''Aren't you going to play?'' Katherine asked Albus, hoping to distract him so she could go have that bubble bath she had thought about earlier, adjusting the straps on her dress as they slipped down her shoulders for the second time that evening.

''Nah, I'm rubbish at poker.'' He explained, watching carefully as she pushed the straps gently up her smooth shoulders.

''Well, there's spin the bottle going on over there.'' She pointed to the other end of the room where a large circle was sat, taking up some of the dance-floor, trying to avert his attention again so she could slip away.

''You're right! Spin the bottle is a great idea!'' he agreed, grabbing her hand and dragging her to sit in the circle where several people swayed as they sat.

''No!'' she protested as she realised it was another one of those Wizard Wheeze Kits, the bottle was bright purple and every person playing had to drink some of the mead inside before they could play so the bottle could register them as a player, it was all some kind of intricate charm to make the game fair, the bottle had a mind of its own, and Katherine was pretty wary of Wizard Wheeze products.

The group greeted them gleefully as Albus sat down and pulled Katherine beside him, but Katherine crawled over to the other side of the circle when she spotted Winifred sitting next to a fifth year Gryffindor boy.

''Hey again.'' She greeted Katherine, she patted the carpet beside her and the several people moved up to make room for the players joining them, the party was now in full swing.

''I really can't be bothered to play right now.'' Katherine explained with a stony face.

''You've got to have fun sometimes! I've always said we should hang out more! So here we are hanging out, plus that Albus Potter keeps giving you the look.''

''You know how unfathomably lazy I am. I copy your Herbology assignments almost every week.''

''And you still manage to scrape an Acceptable!'' She replied indignantly.

''And what look?'' Katherine added, confused.

''You know,'' she replied, raising her eyebrows, ''The ''I want you so bad, please take me now!'' look.''

Katherine scoffed.

Someone had turned the music up and more chanting was coming from the other side of the room, several slutty looking girls danced shamelessly with drunken love struck boys and there were several groups loudly talking, scattered all over the room. Every now and then, a loud bang would be heard from near the fireplaces, where the game of Exploding Snap Poker was still going strong.

The bottle was passed around the circle with cheers and Winifred handed it to Katherine with her million galleon smile,

''You Hufflepuffs are gonna be the death of me. Seriously, you lot are a health-hazard.'' Katherine remarked dryly as she took a small sip from the bottle.

An hour later, night had truly ascended and more drinking had ensued.

Thankfully Katherine had been able to sneak away from the game of Spin the bottle that seemed to be getting raunchier with every spin without having the bottle land on her.

Rose Weasley had approached Katherine not long ago and they had had a nice chat, Rose was slightly tipsy, she was swaying cutely as she stood and she stumbled as she made her way to join the game of Exploding Snap Poker, that was now known as, ''That snog-fest by the fireplace.''

She was actually having a good time with Winifred and Albus, and now she was watching them argue playfully over who had greener eyes. Katherine chuckled as Winifred elbowed Albus a little too hard and knocked the wind out of him, he pushed her indignantly and she fell from her seat into a heap on the floor and collapsed into giggles.

They would make a sweet couple.

Albus kept glancing at Katherine curiously, but she sat there quietly, occasionally joining their stilted conversations, nursing a cup of Firewhiskey she had been trying to finish for some time.

''Hey Katherine.'' A perfectly sober Corridor boy greeted as he took a seat beside her.

''Hi...Na..than...'' Katherine paused, almost forgetting his name.

''You seem to be the only sober person here.'' He noted, nodding his head at Albus and Winifred.

''I probably need to work on that then.'' She responded, surprising him.

They sat in comfortable silence, he was sat so close, she could feel the heat from his body just radiating off of him.

''Are you dating Albus Potter?'' he asked her bluntly.

Katherine snorted and replied sceptically, ''Damn, I was so sure you were sober.''

''No, it's just that, he seems to like you.''

Katherine rolled her eyes, choosing to try to drink more of her Firewhiskey instead of replying properly.

''You hang out with him lots more all of a sudden.''

''No, he hangs around me lots more all of a sudden.''

''He's like a love-sick puppy.''

''What?'' she asked, confused, she brushed her hair out of her round-face and raised an eyebrow at him.

''You haven't noticed the way he looks at you? The way he eyes you up?'' he continued, obviously trying to prove a point of some kind, he edged closer to her, speaking quietly so she had to lean in to hear him.

''Have you been stalking him or something?'' Katherine asked, fanning her flushed face with her hand, the heat of the room was finally getting to her, she was thankful she never bothered to wear make-up, otherwise it would probably be dripping off of her face in huge dollops.

She swung her short legs underneath her absently and leaned in closer again to hear his reply.

He put his arm lightly around her waist and murmured into her ear softly,

''No, it doesn't take a Ravenclaw to see it.''

Katherine scoffed and began pulling at her hair innocently, playing with her frizzy ringlets. She didn't exactly have much experience with boys but she looked to Winifred, who was mouthing, ''SNOG HIM.'' And making crude gestures with her tongue. Katherine ignored her and pulled the straps on her dress up yet again.

''But then again who can blame him.'' His breath tickled her ears and neck, and his hand was still around her waist lightly. ''Are you hot?'' he asked her concernedly, ''Let's go for a walk.''

He stood up and held her hand lightly as he led her through the throng of the common room, they exited the portrait hole, and he put his warm hand on her waist again as they ignored the Fat Lady's complaints about roaming the corridors so close to curfew.

They talked quietly, or rather, Katherine talked quietly while he listened to her every, rambled, confusing word. It seemed the Firewhiskey was finally taking hold of her.

''...and that's why you shouldn't feed your dogs peanut butter.'' She finished, smiling broadly.

They were sat inside a dimly-lit hidden passageway that had an uncomfortable stone floor and a distinct draft. She shivered slightly before he sat her in his lap and put his warm arms around her, he rested his chin on her shoulder and his eyes searched her face for a few moments,

''Brown.'' He breathed quietly,

''What?''

''You have brown eyes.''

''Congratulations, you now know I have eyes the colour of dirt.'' She replied sarcastically, squirming slightly she thought about the definite thumbs up that Winifred, had given her as she'd watched her being led away, she hadn't seen Rose throwing her arms exasperatedly into the air, Albus' scowl or him storming off towards the drinks table in search of something to drown his sorrows with. Not that Katherine knew about any of these sorrows.

''Don't say that.'' He incited, brushing her dirty-blonde hair from her eyes softly.

''You know what would make this really awkward?'' Katherine asked after a short silence, ''A tall northern jazzy freak with small eyes and a moustache.''

''I have no idea what you just said.''

''Me too. It made sense inside my head.''

''I'm sure lots of things do.'' He teased, nuzzling her shoulder.

She shivered again as a cold draft raised goose bumps over her exposed arms, he rubbed them absently and Katherine really didn't know what to say, except,

''We should probably get going; if we don't leave soon the Fat Lady will scream at us. The party must be dying down anyway.'' She made a move to stand but Nathan squeezed her in a tight hug before standing himself and pulling her up effortlessly, he pulled her towards him till their knees knocked and their foreheads touched.

And then he kissed her.

**A/N: **

**:O:O:O Is that a cliff-hanger I spy with my little eye?**

**Oh, and this should probably have been addressed earlier, for those who have already review before, sorry you can't review again, but if you're absolutely dying to review you can go look for this story at HPFF, since I've recently posted it up there, and also, btw, I will always update here faster, simply because chapters don't need validating and all that jazz, so lucky you guys. **

**If you're still reading, then I declare you made of awesome.**

**Review please!**


	6. Charlie

Chapter 6 Charlie

**Nathan Wood** knew he had obviously done something wrong.

And it wasn't often he admitted he was wrong.

After pressing his lips against hers softly, he pulled away, searching for some kind of reaction and finding only a blank expression and an abundance of freckles.

That is, until she snorted.

Abashed, he stepped back and studied her, she opened her mouth to speak, probably to tell him how great a kisser he was,

''Wow, how drunk are you?'' she chuckled sardonically, casually wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, she shot him a patronising look, ''I should get you back to the common room before you try to grope The Grey Lady.''

''What?'' he questioned, utterly confounded, he hadn't been drinking.

''You just kissed me.'' She explained to him, chuckling under her breath again, she pulled on his wrist and started walking swiftly out of the hidden passageway and into the empty corridors; a few portraits sighed and appraised them knowingly, muttering about young love.

He stopped walking and she jolted to a stop, she was still holding onto his wrist firmly, and gazed at him patronisingly, as if she was sure he was going to bolt any minute and start singing Scottish folk songs at the top of his lungs.

He approached her again, and brushed his lips against her cheek, she remained still, all the while giving him that same piercing, impatient, look.

''Come on, someone's got to have Sobering Solution somewhere.'' She dodged his lips and yanked on his hand, and continued walking, they had reached the Fat Lady's portrait and they could hear the party still in full swing all the way down the corridor.

''Lunascope.'' She said, placing her hand delicately over her mouth to stifle a yawn, addressing the Fat Lady, the portrait clicked her tongue irritably before swinging open to reveal the bedlam going on inside the common room. They were all going to be in so much trouble tomorrow morning.

It had to be around midnight, and for some reason Alfie Duke was running around the common room with a Gryffindor banner fashioned as a cape, flowing behind him.

Frowning, Nathan was befuddled.

He followed her as she made her way back to where they had left Albus Potter and that Hufflepuff girl some 30 minutes ago, they were both sat, cross legged, Potter was his normal arrogant self, chugging from a Firewhiskey bottle, trying to act cool.

Nathan could see the gaggle of girls eyeing him up appraisingly, but sodding Potter only had eyes for Katherine. But thankfully she seemed totally oblivious. She wasn't oblivious to Nathan though; he hesitated before sitting down beside her, and possessively put his arm around her scrawny shoulders when Potter was looking.

He tried to hide it, but Nathan could see the yearning in Potter's eyes.

It was his own fault for not making a move earlier; Nathan had been watching them since he noticed that Potter and Katherine were hanging around each other.

It didn't take an idiot to see that the Potter obviously wanted her, but his moves were too subtle, a sultry look here, grazing her arm there...

That was never going to work with a girl as oblivious as Katherine.

You had to be bold.

He smirked at Potter as Katherine stood and left with her friend.

Potter glared at him.

Stupid bloody Potter.

**Katherine Duke** couldn't be bothered with all this nonsense.

After Nathan Wood had drunkenly kissed her, she led him back to the common room to find Albus with an equally inebriated Winifred, and a partially nude Scorpius Malfoy.

She really could not be bothered. All she wanted was to go to sleep. Forget the bubble bath. Just a nice snooze.

As she approached her small circle of ''Friends.'' She was suddenly embraced from behind, instantaneously she could smell a mix of expensive perfume and Goblin Gin, turning, she was extremely surprised to find a intoxicated Roxanne Weasley slurring apologize about anything and everything bad she had ever done to her Katherine reassured her quietly that it was fine and firmly pulled Roxanne's claws off of her.

She had sat down beside Winifred, greeting them all with a small smile; she noticed that Nathan hovered before sitting down beside her and draping his arm over her shoulders.

Winifred mouthed to her, ''Did you snog?''

Katherine shrugged.

''Dumbledore's Pants!'' Winifred shouted loudly, attracting some stares before pulling her away into a secluded corner, leaving a scowling Nathan with an equally stony faced Albus and a still partially nude Scorpius.

Rose approached before Winifred could get a word out.

''You didn't song Wood, did you?'' Rose slurred at Katherine, with a look of disgust on her face, ''Because then you've ruined everything!''

''No, there was no snogging.'' Katherine droned, supporting the swaying Weasley girl with both arms.

''Aww! Not even a little peck?'' Winifred insisted, exasperated, she brushed her fingers through Katherine's frizzy locks.

''No, he did kiss me. But there was no snogging.''

Winifred squealed and Rose made gagging noises while Katherine scratched her neck absently, watching as several boys slid down the slide that used to be the girl's staircase.

''He is so lush, an absolute-''

Winifred was interrupted by a loud commotion from the other side of the common room, the music had stopped, an armchair tumbled to the floor with a loud bang, and a large crowd was gathering, it sounded like someone was fighting.

The three girls hurried over just in time to see Jason Macmillan, her brother's best friend, break up...

Albus and Nathan?

''You absolute wanker!'' Albus practically screamed, there was a shallow cut on his forehead, he had one eye closed, it looked like there was going to be a shining black eye there in the morning, he was being held back by Hornsby Preston, the burly Gryffindor chaser.

''You know what they say Potter! What soberness conceals, drunkenness reveals!'' Nathan shouted back,

''You took advantage, you knob-jockey!'' Albus cried, struggling to get another hit in.

''Shut up both of you!'' Malcolm barked, his voice thick with authority and maybe a little bit of Goblin Gin, he restrained a struggling Nathan, whose nose was crooked and bleeding profusely, staining his shirt, it looked pretty bad. ''If you don't pack it in, both of you will be out in the freezing corridor, where patrolling Prefects will spare you no mercy! Understood?''

Rose pulled Katherine into the fray to step between the two lads,

''Right, listen,'' Rose began, ''I don't know whether this is about Quidditch, or _SOMETHING ELSE_,'' she emphasised, nodding in Katherine's direction, ''but if it's about _SOMETHING ELSE_, then cut it out because this isn't helping.''

The battered boys nodded glumly, they were released and they both glared at each other and storming off towards the drinks table before realising they were both headed the same way and making a beeline for opposite sides of the room.

A large crowd of family and friends mobbed Albus while he sulked in the corner, Katherine decided she would go and try to help Nathan, since he looked worse off anyway.

''Well, that's one way to sober everyone up.'' she remarked dryly as she sat down beside him. She wasn't about to ask him what the fight was about, she could guess anyway, Seekers and their stupid Quidditch rivalries.

He was leaning his head back, staring at the ceiling while he pinched his bloody nose with the tips of his fingers.

''Yeah, thanks, don't worry, I'm fine.'' He hissed thickly not bothering to look up.

''You're doing that all wrong you know.'' She observed knowingly. ''I trip over a lot. I've broken my nose so many times I've lost count.''

''If you know so much about broken-noses, why don't you help then?'' he snapped, before turning to face her, his expression softening.

''Well, you didn't ask.''

''Do you think you could help me with this?'' he asked her sincerely, his words rather muffled.

''Yeah, I'll just go up to my dorm and get some stuff. Wait here.'' Yawning slightly, she stood up from the comfortable loveseat and marched up to the her dorm, she came back down holding a half-full potions vial filled with a thick, pink liquid.

''We need a sink, 'cause I'm probably gonna make a mess.'' She admitted sourly, she yawned yet again.

'' Just come with me up to my dorm. I can't get up your stairs.'' He insisted, ''I need to get cleaned up anyway.''

''Fair enough.''

She stood and motioned for him to follow, she took careful steps across the chaos that was the Gryffindor common room and made her way up the boy's staircase, he led her to his dorm and entered the empty room, it was oddly tidy.

He sat down on a bed nearest the bathroom and sighed heavily.

''Get up.'' She encouraged, dragging him towards the bathroom, she made him sit on the edge of the bath while she shook the vial thoroughly before she told him to lean over the sink, she poured the thick concoction over his nose and he instantly felt a cool feeling flow through the top of his face, the flow of blood stopped almost instantly. She held his nose firmly and pushed it back into place with a disgusting crack. She handed him a wet towel and helped him wipe the dried blood away.

''That potion is genius.'' He complimented, wincing as he brushed the bruised side of his cheek a bit too hard, ''Have you got anything for bruises?''

''...My dad invented it. There is one for bruises...But it's almost finished, and a little bruise never hurt anyone.'' She chastised, nibbling on her lip absently, he watched her freckles stretch across her tanned cheeks as she spoke.

They left the bathroom and Katherine sat down at the nearest bed, complaining about her aching feet.

He thanked her as he was removing his stained shirt, hoping to coax some kind of response from her, but she was too busy pulling off her shoes and rubbing her feet to notice.

He sighed and went over to his wardrobe, hoping to find a clean t-shirt; he turned quickly when he heard a soft snore from the other side of the room.

She was lying slumped against his headboard, asleep. Her mouth open slightly, her jaw relaxed and her glasses askew on her face.

Smiling vaguely, he gently pulled her glasses off and set them down cautiously on the bedside table.

He pulled his hangings closed and wrapped his arms around her, till her small hands were resting on his exposed chest. She would be in for a pleasant surprise when she woke up.

When Katherine woke up in a sharing a bed that wasn't her own with Nathan Wood, she _was _surprised. She gently extracted herself from his iron grip, before hopping out of the bed and pulling his sheets gently over his bare chest. She eyed her wrinkled dress with disdained and picked up her shoes from the floor and her glasses from the bedside table, tip-toeing out of the dorm; she didn't make a sound when she closed the door behind her.

She did however make a lot of sound when she tripped down the stairs.

Rubbing her throbbing knee, she stood and viewed the disarrayed state of the common room, the house-elves were gonna have a hard time cleaning up this mess.

Empty bottles, banners, clothes, and half-eaten food littered the floor.

Katherine chuckled softly when she spotted a snoozing Rose Weasley in the window seat,

''Rose?'' she shook her shoulder gently, ''Rose?''

The sleeping red-head stirred before snapping her eyes open. She looked over Katherine in confusion before grimacing and mumbling,

''You got some action last night, didn't you?''

Katherine rolled her eyes as Rose sat up and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

''What time is it?'' she asked sleepily.

''About 6 in the morning.'' Katherine replied brightly.

Rose groaned audibly, ''Why did you wake me at this ungodly hour? I'm not even sure a time before 8:15 really exists!''

''That _can't_ have been comfortable.''

''Yeah, you're right.'' She admitted, rubbing her neck. ''Let's go. I have Chocolate Frogs in my trunk.''

''Isn't it too early for chocolate?''

''It's never too early for chocolate.'' Rose proclaimed as she stood up, before swiftly sitting back down again, ''Ah, hello Mr. Hangover, nice to meet you again.'' She stood, this time with Katherine's help, and winced as they stepped up the girl's staircase, her head throbbing dangerously.

Katherine was entering unknown territory. The _other_ fifth year girl's dorm.

She stepped into this haven of cleanliness and organization, sighing continently. Without a word, she stepped into their bathroom and smiled broadly, everything was in its place! The rumours were true!

She joined Rose in biting off the heads of several packets of Chocolate Frogs till the sun began to peek it's rays through the windowpane.

Katherine had explained the whole business with Nathan and the drunken kissing and the cuddling while in bed together debacle.

''You know what this means, right? Wood probably just wants to shag you. That's got to be it, I think you should avoid him completely, and hide behind Albus for protection.'' Rose had advised gravely, Katherine scoffed,

''I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to shag me. No one wants to shag me.'' She said realistically.

''I know someone that wants- never mind.''

Luckily, Katherine wasn't paying attention to what she said. She stood up from the bed at the mention of Albus.

''Albus was pretty drunk last night wasn't he?''

''Yep.''

''Did he get in alright?'' Katherine asked, rather worried.

''Ooh, fretting about poor Albus, eh?'' Rose cocked an eyebrow and secretly did a small happy-dance.

''Just wondering if he got back to his dorm alright.''

''Aw, that's sweet.''

''I think, that, after three months of him constantly trying to bother to me, we've sort of become... _friends._''

Rose's happy-dance stopped abruptly. Damn,_ just_ _friends_. ''Why don't you go check on him?'' she suggested innocently.

''Because that would be inappropriate and physically impossible?''

''Nonsense! You're friends! That's what friends do!''

''You're his cousin, can't you just go? I'm tired.''

''I can barely walk straight, let alone go all the way down to the dungeons. You should go, I'll tell you how to get to the Slytherin common room.'' Rose said, feigning dizziness.

''But-''

''No! I insist!'' Rose said, raising her voice before realising that she might wake her dorm-mates.

''B-''

''No! Just go!''

''Has anyone ever told you that you're rather scary when you're angry?''

''Has anyone ever told you that I'm even scarier when I don't get my way?'' Rose threatened.

**Scorpius Malfoy** was really pissed at that Duke girl.

''So, we're not going to breakfast because she's going to be there?'' he groaned from his bed, where he had been recovering from his hangover since he woke up, groggy and confused.

He couldn't actually see his best-mate of two years because his emerald hangings were closed to shield out any of that pesky sunlight.

''Yes.'' Albus answered tersely, clenching his jaw. At least it sounded like he was clenching his jaw.

''Look mate, I've been your friend for like, 37 and a half years right?''

''We haven't even lived that long.'' Albus deadpanned from his own bed, Scorpius couldn't see him, but Albus had a conjured ice-pack placed gently over his black eye.

''Well, it feels like that long. Anyway, you've never been this bothered about a girl before, what's so special about Duke?'' Scorpius pondered, genuinely curious. The way Albus went on it was like she was some kind of super-hero.

''She's like Wisp's.'' Albus explained.

''She's like an antique Quidditch-supplies shop?''

''Exactly, I only found it because I was trying to escape my brother and his Quidditch team and those stupid fan-girls at that team-dinner they were having in the Three Broomsticks. If I hadn't been trying to avoid my brother's gloating I would never have found it.''

''I'm following.'' Scorpius prompted when Albus went quiet.

''Well, when I finally found it, it was like this amazing place, and every time I turned a corner, there was just more amazing stuff, like, the more I looked the more I liked it. I even ignored the obnoxious bits. Like the corner dedicated to antique Tornadoes memorabilia.''

''So, she has layers? Like an onion?''

''Yes. And what makes it worse is that, now Wood has her.''

''You can't be sure he has her.''

''Yes! I'm sure. You were there, you heard him...It's like Wood has _bought _Wisp's and is refusing us entry, even though we've known it was there for longer, and been visiting it for longer.''

''Mate, I think you've actually said something deep there.'' Scorpius replied sarcastically, he closed his eyes tightly, trying to ignore the throbbing in his forehead.

''I _am_ deep.''

''Yeah, about as deep as a paddling pool on uneven ground mate.'' Scorpius replied, rolling on his side.

''You know what the worst thing is? I was nearly there. I was _so _close._ I_ was gonna kiss her at the party. Now Wood's stolen her like he stole the Quidditch cup last year.''

''True. Times like these I'm so glad I'm not on the team. Too much drama.''

''Can you two girls shut up? I'm dying here. Like _literally _dying. I'm never drinking again!'' cut in the voice of their dorm-mate, Hayes Flint, the three boys got on rather well, but Scorpius knew him much better than Albus. ''Stop whining Albus, if you want that girl so bad just take her!'' Hayes shouted bluntly from his bed.

''I'm pretty sure that would be frowned upon, Flint.''

''Just like showing your ugly mug in public, Malfoy.'' Flint teased.

''Touché.'' Scorpius replied, he was about to return with a scathing remark when someone knocked on the door. That in itself should have been a warning, nobody _knocks _on the doors of the boy's dorm.

''Is everyone fully dressed?'' a small voice asked impatiently, a mumbled yes resounded around the dim dorm room, a door opened with a creek and Scorpius crawled forward onto his stomach and gingerly peeked out of the gap in his dark green hangings, a watched as a small blonde girl wearily slink into the room nursing two cups of steaming liquid.

Scowling, Scorpius flopped back onto his bed and pretended to be asleep; rolling onto his side he was sure he could_ hear _Albus burst into a beaming smile.

Scorpius rolled his eyes.

**Albus Potter** was pleasantly surprised.

''You look like shit.''

And now he was pleasantly offended.

''I'm hung-over, leave me alone.'' He complained, rubbing his forehead and subtly trying to fix his bed hair. The blonde girl that had insisted he share his covers with her didn't seem to notice as she lay top to toe with him, _in his bed._

He could feel her smooth legs against his torso; he could feel her idly wiggling her tiny toes near his armpit.

''So, how does your face, which, did I mention looked like shit?-''

''Yes! I do believe you did mention it in passing.''

''Well, how does your face feel?'' she asked bluntly, lifting her head to eye the shallow cut on his forehead and the lovely black eye he was trendily sporting.

''Well, to be honest it does hurt.'' Albus admitted, trying to gain a bit of sympathy.

''Good, you deserve it.''

Albus tensed immediately, ''...Why?''

''You were in a fight. And you got hurt,_ because_ you were in a fight, therefore, you deserve it.''

''And I supposed Wood doesn't deserve it?''

''No, he deserves it just the same.'' Katherine explained calmly, twisting her frizzy hair between her fingers, before Albus could answer she wondered aloud, ''I wonder what it would be like to have a beard...''

Sitting up, Albus raised his eyebrows, sensing his confusion; Katherine sat up at the other end of the bed as well,

''What?'' she asked, trying to get her short hair to form a beard around her chin, ''I was just wondering...''

Albus smiled and shook his head.

She was definitely worth getting battered and bruised for.

**James Potter** was feeling sorry for himself.

He was sat in the chilly Quidditch stands, being slowly saturated by the drizzle that fell lightly from the sky. He rubbed his gloved hands together, trying to get the feeling back to his fingers.

He could see the hooded figure approaching his seat, but he decided not to look up. Not even when the figure sat down beside him and handed him two pieces of warm toast. He ate them gladly.

''You were probably wondering why I wasn't at the victory-party last night.'' James began, in between bites of toast.

''No, actually. I didn't notice till this morning.'' Albus replied quietly from underneath his hood, he wrinkled his nose in aversion, his brother stank.

''I stayed here.''

Albus wasn't surprised, his brother tended to lean towards the melodramatic side of his personality when Quidditch was involved. James was still wearing his soiled Quidditch kit which meant he was probably here the entire night. When he didn't continue, Albus prompted,

''Why?''

''I've been kicked off the team...''

Albus inhaled sharply. This was probably, the end of the world.

At least from James' perspective.


End file.
